>This is IT!

>So finally back from the hospital 😆 funny life…

And I used to think that finally my ordeals are over…..that finally I had the person I would have loved to spend my life with, to share my happiness and woes…

lol…. Life proves me wrong everytime …lol…

This thing has become a sort of Deja Vu to me :p keeps happening again and again….

I pray from my heart that I never fall in love again. It’s already a fucked up life. I do not want any more heartbreaks.

PS:- Did something today which was stupid and I will never forgive myself for it. Did it coz was silly enough to think that it would get me some attention. 🙂 So naive of me….. SO NAIVE…

U need to grow up dude….   they just do not deserve you…. grow up or fuck off….

>I G N O R E D

>Yeah that’s how you feel when you have loads to talk about and you have NO ONE. Today, I have NO ONE.

PS:- I wish you read this. 😦

>Confessions :( – PART -I

>

April 10, 2004

It was nearly 1 in the night and he was as usual busy with friends, cracking jokes and killing time, just like that. That was the general life there in the hostel at that time. Cigarettes, jokes, groups and tonnez to talk about. College life was still an infant, just 2 months old, starting from Valentine’s day that year itself(Sometimes I think ki starting date hi aisi thi, that’s why he had to face such things). So you can pretty much guess that they were still in the stage where you discuss things about crushes, failures,cribbing about not getting into IITs, chicks in the college and stuff like that. That night was no extraordinary.

Not for all atleast.

Not untill 1 am atleast.

“Abe tera phone hai be…”, Ashish shouted from his room.
He couldn’t believe his ears. Since the day he proposed , i.e. on fool’s day, there hasn’t been a single day when she called that late. Calls have been formal, perhaps out of awkwardness from his side, and perhaps due to confusion from her’s.

He rushed to Ashish’ room and took the phone from him. Putting his palm over the speaker, he asked Ashish, “Tere cell mein kitna balance hai?” “350”, came the reply, relieving him. He still had to get his Nokia 2300. Many things that would happen in the future were still to happen. Well, we will come to that l8r.

“Hello…”, he said.
“Hi…where were you?”, she asked.
“Well, was in my room. And as you know, I do not have a mobile. Not yet”, he said in an irritated tone, knowing that she was just making a base for something else. She was always like this. He always told her that she has a good argumentative attitude. Only that he did not like it when she used to apply it to him.

“You called so late??”, it was now his turn to enquire, and as usual, he was direct to the point.

“Hmmm… wanted to talk to you, if it is ok with you…”, she replied.

He sensed this won’t be alright. Though he was still inexperienced, but his instincts told him that there is something about that night that would change many things. Still, he can’t deny her. He CANT!!!

“Kya hua…you there??? “, She asked, listening to the storm spread in his silence.

“Yep…bolo… I am here…was just not expecting your call..not so late actually”, he said, snuggling into Anand’s chair. He had told Anand and his roommate(only one of them was in the hostel at that time that they can sleep in his bed instead and he would rather not like to be disturbed. Others had gone to some place or other, so it was sort of a privacy for him. Just like he wanted.)

“Well… how are you “, she asked him for the first time in many days after the fool’s day fiasco.

“I am good…gr8!!!”, he said, trying to find some meaning in her questions and trying to fool himself that this is just a simple call, that it has nothing to do with the proposal.

“Hmmmm….Are you alone there??”, she asked.

His heart missed a heartbeat. It cant be! For a moment he thought that the unthinkable is going to happen.
I can still feel the disappointment in his heart when it simply turned out to be a casual question and nothing as he dreamt of with open eyes. Anyways, he was glad she broke the ice by asking about the Fool’s Day Proposal. But at the same time, he feared the things he had known for a very long long time and prayed to god to favor him this one last time. Seems god also sleeps at night.

It started very innocently with a joke. He said something about the delhi girls and she was at her best denying it. Then talks drifted towards future, about college and her admission(Which was pending as of then.. she was in Delhi after her 12th board examinations) and stuff like that.
“Navneet, were you serious that day?”, suddenly she took a giant leap and asked it.

He was relieved…. he was afraid… He had the answer…He couldn’t say it….He had to…

“Yes ‘S’ “… he said and instantly smiled…smiled at the ease with which many things had become crystal clear between them…smiled at the joy it brought to him thinking that finally he had the courage to tell her that he loves her…smiled at his foolishness of April 1st proposal idea… smiled at everything…

“hmmm…really? You love me?”, she still needed some assurance, having had her own set of heartbreaks, she was no novice to these things afterall….or atleast he thought so…

“Hmmmm..yes S..I love you…and not from today.. I have loved you for last 3 years….And I was silent all these years only for everyone’s peace of mind…There was a lot of confusion already…and I thought perhaps the best thing to do is to be quiet…and not to tell anyone..”,He said more than he thought of…and felt proud about it..

“You know something??”, she said with a tinge of naughtiness in her voice…

“What!!??”, he was irritated..obviously..

“I knew that you sort of liked me… I knew it from the way you looked at me”, she said it so simply as if it was nothing….and he took 3 years to say it.

“Huh….We seldom talked in Ranchi….and whenever we did, it was in the presence of either my bros or yours…remember??”, it was nice seeing them having a heart to heart talk…it was really soothing after all these years of suffocating and keeping it inside, he was finally able to speak his mind….he did not know it but something was changing inside him that night…He will never be that shy guy again…He will never be an introvert again… he will never get away without speaking what his mind desires and what his heart thinks…
He will never back down again….

He is still fighting…

To be continued….

>I am going down

>

Well…. To be frank, I am bored. Bored of this place, bored of people, bored of lies again and again, bored of same old things…bored of myself. I know its not a very good thing to say, but off late I have lost the direction and I dunno if I am ever gonna know what I was supposed to do. Get a job,get married, raise kids, grow old, die??? Is that it? I dun wanna be like that. That would be the worst thing that could happen to me if I dint find out why I am here… I really gives a severe headache… Crap yaar!!! Atleast the disillusion of MBA kept me busy. Now there is no pretending. And I am glad about it. Atleast not doing the right thing is less dangerous than doing the wrong thing thinking it’s right. I know this one job has changed my attitude a lot and perhaps I have started respecting finer things in life.

I wanted to be a poet, though I do not write any good. But then again, that was where my heart was and perhaps that’s why I write sometimes even today. But this bloody world…well..I can’t eat my poems. I need to earn….WTF! May be someday I will have the courage to break away from this zombie crowd…one day I will… 😦 

Perhaps I will publish my book, even if just one copy of it. 🙂

>My love

>
I am standing at the bus stop,
My necktie is going all flip flop,
The hair you combed is messed again,
And all the kisses seem to be in vain,

I wonder if you packed my lunch box,
And my toes want to get out of these socks,
The water bottle feels too heavy now,
I want to be alright, but don’t know how,

I look on the street, the children are playing,
They are also grown ups, why no school for them,
I wonder if you just wanted to send me away,
This single thought makes my head go down in shame,

I see the school bus coming to my stop,
I see the open windows,from which many heads pop,
I think of you and my heartbeat goes fast,
Wonder if even one day I am gonna last,

Then I hear your voice, telling me to be good kid,
Telling me to be brave and things which I will need,
I smile at your touch and kiss you on cheeks,
In your arms I find the love I seek.

I know this is something I have not written in a long long time. Was just missing my Ma and phone nahi lag raha thaa….so Thought of writing something for her. 🙂 Love you Ma.

>Fracture at first flight :|

>
Well, Actually its not a fracture.

Its merely a major sprain that got into my muscles due to 2X180 degree twisting of my ankle bone and as doc said, I had either a very good luck or very strong bones that my bones survived.

I would like to believe the second part, for I know how bad my luck is.

5 days plaster, or may be even more. Will write a lot of poems in these 5 days. Will start my UPSC preparations too. Will try to forget MBA thing as it attracts me no more after the eye openers. Will try to eat less food and drink even lesser fluid 😐 . For obvious reasons 😐

A plaster :sigh: . I am gonna get it autographed 😀 😀 😀

>The last rendezvous

>
April 2009

“Ticket ticket!!!” He was awaken from a sleepless dream by the rough voice of the bus conductor. “uh… Lemme see if I do have any change”, he thought to himself and surprisingly, a ten rupee note was crumpled in his jeans pocket. Handing it over to the conductor, he looked around the bus. It was all packed and only saving grace was the window by his side and the cool air slapping on his face, making his always un-made hair go even more haywire. “Only if I didn’t have to go to Juhu so quick, I would have taken the train… Crap!!!”, he murmured to himself and then looked outside the window, falling back in his open eye dreams. “Why am I going to see her? After all this????” He had no answer.

4 months earlier

“Hello…??”, he spoke into the phone, knowing very well he should not have called her up in first place. He waited for the voice, waited for it to cut through his heart. “Hi Navi…”, the voice said on the other side. Both sides went silent. Perhaps they had too much to say to each other. Perhaps they had nothing.
“I am in Pune. Have a test. Can you meet me?”, he summoned up all his courage and asked her the forbidden.
“Why do you want to meet me Navi?”
“Well, I just thought…umm…well I wanted to meet you.”
“Hmmmm…. I can’t come. I do not want to see you anymore.”
His mind went blank on hearing the inevitable. “No, I must not fall down now…I have an exam to take in a few hours…. this was expected….I should not…must not..fall now….”, an array of random thoughts went through his head.

“Hmmmm…ok”, was all he could manage to utter before hanging up.
I still remember him crying for 2 hours after reaching back Mumbai at 12 midnight. I do not know how he held the fort the whole day. May be one day I will learn from him.

Suddenly the loud ringing of his cellphone woke him back to reality. It was 5:45 in the evening. “Anonymous Calling” blinked on the screen. He picked up the phone and talked like a machine to her. Following her instructions about how to reach her hotel, and noted everything in his head, which seldom forgets things. Not atleast about her.

10 minutes later, he was on his way to her hotel, in a rickshaw.
He smiled to himself,”Finally it will be over tonight”

He had yet to learn things.

>The Dream

>
I think its a dream, i can’t believe its true,
And obviously no one will believe me, no! not even you,
I want to think it can come real,
But fate has a different deal,

I see her there, walking down the stairs,
I feel my heartbeat go fast, wonder if she cares,
I try not to look at her, and go by my business,
But fail to hide my mind, fail to hide this uneasiness,

I avoid looking there, she’s with her friends,
I wonder what makes her smile, wonder how she smells,
I laugh at me, laugh at the things I dream,
I tell myself its never gonna be, that we aren’t meant to be,

So I walk away from her, away from her world,
To someplace where someone cares, where silence can be heard,
I leave this dream lying on the floor,
and with silent steps I walk through the door.

>I find myself

>I stand by the bridge,
looking at the river, the sun going down,
vehicles running madly by my back,
people getting lost in this vast town,

I try to remember, I look into my mind,
Its hard to find the way,I feel as if I am blind,
I see the reflections,I search for water to find,
Only to be lost in the desert, only with sand in in my hand,

The sheep are going to the woods,
They don’t know what for!!!
They are habituated to be directed,
Dunno how to go to the “forbidden” land,

I also see the birds,flying high in the sky,
Oblivious of my pain, unable to hear my cry,
I see the beauties passing by,playing and singing loud,
They see the shining sun,ignorant of the giant cloud,

Finally I see myself, looking back at me,
A smile on “his” face, “he’s” asking me to be free,
He removes his clothes, and gets off his shoes,
And jumps into the river, swims free while the wind blows.

>Miss you :(

>Well…. 😦

watever….

I miss u idiot!

>ADIOS!!!

>Its time.

Goodbye Mumbai. Love ya. 😦

Will miss ya a lot.

😦

>A lost mind

>It has been a pretty much messed up life till now…. I started quite fine.. was a bright very bright kid… good in studies…good in habits… good in every damn field one can imagine of…then I messed up.. I messed up big time and like they say… The more I tried to get out of the mess.. the more I got into it.. Seeing what it has brought to me today makes me wonder, should I be proud of myself or worried about the guy I have become…. I am a mess… I need to come out of this …if only for the sake of those who have put their trust in me… I know it might not make much difference to me right now, the failure or success, but again I know it doesn’t make a difference to those who are as much responsible for this mess as I am… and perhaps for that reason….whether you call it vengeance or redemption, I have to pull myself away from it or it will tear me apart… I am confused, I am down, I am almost out…. almost… not yet there…. I have to do this… just have to hold myself together…. have to think logically for once in my life… I know its hard to make exceptions but this is one that I won’t regret…

I have to do it…. Hold on Navneet… hold on my buddy..hold on… You can do this…you are better than this…

Yes.. I am better than this 🙂

>Crazy

>I know I have to be mad to be writing this post…almost same as my earlier post… Pardon me if it seems boring sort of to u people….This time it is PERSONAL…

I love you…I love you and that includes all the fights I have had with you, all the things we have enjoyed together, all the things we have discussed over and all the things we have argued on…It includes every damn phone call to you at the cost of my dinner meal…It includes every damn risk you have taken talking to me despite your issues…it includes all the verbal abuses I’ve thrown at you…It includes all the things you have said to me and made me suffer about… It includes every smile you have given me…every touch I felt of you on my skin…Every night I thought of you and cried to realise you are not gonna be with me…every lie i told you only to tell you the truth 10 minutes later… every thing I have done for you and never told you that I did it….

I love you…and yes..I am still crazy for you… come to me and tell me you do not feel the same way I do…tell me if u can…else I am going to delete this blog within 1 month… with no more sane posts…yes..u got me right…and with will end all of my online presence…not to forget that I do not have an offline one… 🙂

P.S. :- I love you sweetheart

>I don’t know

>I don’t know why I am writing this post. One thing is sure. Either I am so good an actor that I can pretend to myself about nothing being wrong to my life or I am completely a dual personality who can easily live a life when his alter ego is suffering every moment of his life. I would have loved any of the two being ignorant of the other one. I am not happy…. Why do I want you back?

Why?

I do not love you….no I don’t…

Then why the hell I want you back!!!!

Atleast respond to this if you are reading it!!! You heartless creature…..

>Your decision

>
I was walking alone, on the wet sand,
you said you wanted to hold my hand,
You said you wanted to be with me,
No matter whatever the situation be,

You said you will always be by my side,
and that you have nothing to hide,
You took me from me, you took my spirit,
You changed me into what I see in mirror but don’t know

You told this was special, that we were so meant to be,
And I just smiled, happy and joyous and free,
You made me fly, made me laugh, I ask now “WHY?”,
When all that you wanted to do was to make me cry?

You decided all, when to come, when to go, when to leave me alone,
Never thought of me, as if I was nothing, lifeless like a stone,
You left me stranded on crossroads, without telling which way to go,
“What do I do now?”..I won’t ask YOU! Though even I don’t know!