>NOT DECIDED :-/

>

Sometimes we are so involved in things that we forget to remember the eternal truth that one day, sooner or later, it WILL have to end. And we will have to make a way through the woods, face hard times, be devoid of what we so badly love and would give anything for. Perhaps then, it is not much surprising that we are hurt and long for the past to return once it has gone.

Will write more… Will edit this… But for now… just this much

Back as promised, though I can bet my life that there has been a sort of 180 degrees shift in my mood and motive of this post since I started.

Was talking to a friend and she started asking about my past(read my ex girl friends) and one thing led to another and I ended up telling her a much shorter version of the story I could never post here. Not of much value in this world where there are much more serious things to be discussed upon and problems to be worried about. Still, at the end of those two hours, felt like have gone back to that day when I was so prone to loneliness that I almost got depressed. Almost missed you for a moment. Almost cried for you. Almost. 🙂

Hokay…. So that was me betraying myself and trying to distract me from my original motive of this post. But in a way it strengthened me more by telling myself that I CAN gather myself before crumbling and do the damage control much more efficiently than ever before :p. I perhaps even cracked a joke or two. Not that I don’t feel, but I understand reality much more clearly than I feel. So I am able to “co-op” with it. And perhaps this would be one of most important lessons for me on  “HOW NOT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT GONE THINGS”

PS:- NOSTALGIA’s A BITCH! 😛

>WE

>

Touching your soul was best thing I had,

Wasn’t a dream, I wasn’t anymore just a lad,

You were full with joy and fresh like dew,

Wondering how did I ever found you,

Dazzled with your glitter and shine,

It felt as if I was on cloud nine,

Sure was heaven, when you looked at me,

And there was no place that I wanted to be,

Still remember those days, the times we had,

Still makes me happy, and sometimes a little sad,

But don’t you worry, for it will always be there,

The tears, the joy and the time we shared.

>TOPIC???

>In the beginning I started writing because I wanted to vent out a lot of things. Perhaps more than I thought there was to drain down. Perhaps not. Then somewhere down the line, it sort of became a responsibility to do so. To deliberately find out something that can be blamed upon. I started looking for people or situations or things to blame to, just for the sake of telling myself that I still have to drain away things. Unaware that I was creating a black hole that can never be satiated. Forgetting the RIGHT way to live. And when I say RIGHT in CAPS, I mean it. I messed up due to something that should have been rather the best thing in my life, atleast till now.

I realized something was wrong with me, or better say, my way of looking at things. That was the reason I stopped writing. Damn! I stopped so many things. Some for good, some for bad. Hope the good ones will continue while I can sort out the bad ones. 1 thing is sure, I know I was looking for the wrong thing in name of love. Its not what is to be asked for or searched for. After all of this suffering I have understood I was wrong and have started afresh again, looking for nothing. Atleast I wont be blaming anyone or anything for it, and most important, no one will get hurt. So now its Navneet Kumar only, no nicks anymore. Its time I let the ghost of my past go away. That’s it. To everyone who thinks I wronged, I am sorry. And yes, I know you’re reading it. I dunno how, but somehow I just know. I don’t love you anymore. And I don’t hate you. Am glad IT happened, and am sorry IT happened. Goodbye.

On other things, Not getting leave for diwali, so most probably will be eating idlis and dosas this diwali, instead of choley, poori,kheer, and the gujiyas… 😦 Everyone will be there, wish I could go. On the other hand, it might just as well as be a blessing in disguise. Might get to visit some friends in Bangy. I have never been there, want to see how the city treats me… :p

Job’s good, money’s good, health’s good, head’s finally going good and most importantly, I do think I can afterall become a good person, the one I always hated. 🙂 Life’s strange.

Later.

PS:- Still dont have a topic for this. 😐

>Backkkk

>Learning to survive again. Forgot it somewhere down the line. But its all coming back. And yes, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I WILL SURVIVE!!!

\m/

PS:- England cant win sala!! :p

>For You :p

>

So those eyes just lifted up, and looked at me in a huff,
The frown was there, still all I saw was love,
In those lovely big eyes, I saw the anger was fake,
coz no matter what she said, her eyes showed no hate,

They sparkled all bright, like stars twinkle in night,
And defied all the anger, taking away all my plight,
Oh..What I wouldn’t give away, to get her just one sight,
Would fall down in any abyss, and go up to any height,

If only she says, would do anything for her sake,
And would bear all the pain, more than anyone can take,
Will swim down the oceans,rivers and even the lake,
To prove that my love’s true, to show there’s nothing fake

>SHE

>

Well…. this is for someone whom I love very much, and who perhaps doesn’t understand the true nature of my love. Dint know how to express myself and how to convince her. So wrote this. Hope this will help….

For you my love. 🙂

Its like a dream, to look into those beautiful eyes,
To look into the face that defies everything, the face sans this world’s cruel lies,
She says something, I try hard to concentrate,
But fail to grasp a word,lost in those lovely eyes,Which clean away all the hate,

I look at her walking,she’s lost in her thoughts,
I wish I could be with her, atleast that’s what my heart shouts,
Wondering what would she say,If I say something stupid,
So I try to make things simple,try to be calm,and to make things lucid,

She laughs at something,and I can really hear the chimes,
And maybe she’d find this poem boring,for the stupid way it rhymes,
Something crosses her mind, and she smiles the sweetest smile,
And all my efforts to unaffected,to be neutral are again futile.

And when she looks at me with those lovely eyes,
I get sort of transfixed,like my legs are frozen in the ice,
And I wish I could tell her the way I feel for her,
The girl of my dreams,The Fairy who can fly without a flutter.

>Day 1

>And the day one passed quite peacefully to what I expected.Wonder how long will I be able to hold my anchor.

19 more to go…. 😦

>Random blabber!!

>
Well… It has been ages since I wrote something meaningful.. 🙂 I know waise bhi I seldom do.

There have been changes on many fronts. Personal, professional and vellapanti also :p . Yep…its also a part of my life…vellapanti.. :p

Personal life has been in tumultuous for sure for last four months… with me losing the way on more than just a few occasions…but thanks to my guiding light…( searches for his torch). after every thunderstorm or foggy nights I have always landed on an island full of coconuts(I really like their usability) and crabs (wish I eat some of them finally this year), not to forget the beautiful mermaids :P.

After a long long time I have felt like this regarding my LIFE…and it includes everything I need/want/have . Except for a few spam mails…life is going quite smooth… :p And believe me…sometimes there are spam calls and messages too!!

Recently discovered that someone I trusted and loved from my core has been doing things behind my back and has been telling things to people… lol… was sure shocked and hurt… but dint took much long to recover from that… :p I think the person in question got the apt punishment/reminder of the fact that I do have a spine …finally…I DO HAVE A SPINE!

There has been someone occupying my thoughts all the time for quite sometime and I think it wont be an exaggeration to say that I am in love…. well…depends on how you look at it when you consider that I have been in love 4 more times :rolls-his-eyes: . Okay…you can play your part of character and moral judges but I know the truth…so I need not give any explanation to anyone…Perhaps that was a very strong statement… I should keep away from making such strong statements… But kya karein…inna arrogance bhar ke rakha hua hai..kahan chupau!!! :p
Well… feels nice writing your mind out after such a long long time…Wanted to write a poem for someone in first place but then couldn’t get my thoughts together… And for the perfectionist/border-ist/all or nothing-ist I am, I decided to let the time and emotions take its own course rather than forcing anything artificial on them….

\m/ Dil kyun ye mera shor kare…-2
idhar nahi, udhar nahi…
teri or chale…. :inlove:

Damn!!!I feel like dancing… I did yesterday!! :p

>I love eeeeuuu :P

>
Well…ummm… okkk.. 😛

And I love the way she looks at me, mesmerizing me with her smile,
I feel like staring at an angel, like in deserts flows the Nile,
I gaze at her face, with her hair flying on her face,Like clouds cover the moon,
A thousand storms rise my heart, and dance to her every tune.

😛
PS:- Listening to the song “Rythm Divine” thinking about someone can really get you turn very romantic :sigh:

>Not my burden to bear… Take it away

>

This burden is too heavy to bear, this secret screams things I can’t hear,

It’s the curse of my life, that cuts through me like a two sided knife.

😦

>For you S

>
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I messed it all up….had I messed her leaving me.

Something for you S, may you never get to read this 😦

I still remember your touch, Remember your smile,
For a moment you come so near,and gone in a while,
You will always be in my heart,for its not a crime,
And I will love you baby, till the end of time.

>The "OTHER" Proposal

>

3rd October 2001

“So, do you really think this is gonna work?”

“Yeah!! It will if you do not run away from her again at the last moment”

“Eh…what makes you think I will do something like that?”

“Tera past record dekh ke to aisa hi lagta hai. Sale bol kyun nai deta jaake aaj usko”

“Well….aaj …aaj 😀 “

“Dekhte hain…. tell me what happened when I return from the school in the evening”

“Yup…chal tata”

“Bye C”

“Bye M”

That evening, C proposed S.

M was still not in love with S.

The storm was nowhere in the sight.
 

>PS- I LOVE YOU

>

And they stood there, looking at the stars,
Her breath on his lips, their eyes waging a million wars,
They were not yet one,and never were apart,
And as she moved away forever, she will live forever in his heart.

Nothing less, nothing more. This was the sole emotion in my heart when I started writing this poem. And no, this is not dedicated to anyone like my earlier poems. This is way too sacred to be explained.

PS:- I love you

>WHY NOT TO DO AN MBA :P

>

Well …sorry for not posting “the” post… thing is… off late I have been jinxed sort of when it comes to accidents… and as usual/unusual… I had an accident yesterday….no major injuries…but I am bedridden for another two days…. So posting one of my articles here posted by me on one of my friends’s blog.

FYI– I am still writing the post 😐

WHY NOT TO DO AN MBA:-

What do you do when you do not know the purpose of your life, what you are meant to do?

Wanna know?

You opt for an MBA.

Yes, stupid as it may look at first sight, it is the truth which we all know deep inside our hearts. Be it an IT guy who works for 15-17 hours a day, gets paid for just 8-9 and dreams of studying when he reaches home (while swallowing the already cold dinner), all so that he could perform well in some MBA exam and get into a decent B-school, or be it an engineer working in a steel plant or an automobile manufacturing company, exhausted because of the physical exertion and the pathetic work environment she/he has to face day in and day out.

Most common reasons for people taking up MBA? Well.. The list is very simple..

1. I do not like my job. (But I do not know if I would like the MBA job or not!)

2. I want a higher salary. (But the fees in MBA colleges are so high… Will I be able to save anything in the initial years?)

3. I did a mistake by studying engineering. I should have saved an year. (But could I have acquired the same mental ability and level of thinking?)

4. Well, everyone is doing it. It can’t be wrong!!! ( Like everyone was doing drugs and open sex in 70s in US!) or I like the tag of MBA after my name. (Well, is it not that I am paying a lot for a tag?!) or I always wanted to do an MBA (Because my uncle’s sister’s son did it when I was in 10th grade and now he is so well placed!)

5. I have a dream. I want to acquire the required skills to fulfill that dream. I believe in myself and I know what exactly I am doing.

Well, now decide which category do you fall in. I am asking you this because some 6 months ago when I asked myself, I fell in the first category. That was before I lost my job. Afterwards, it has been quite a different story for me. Anyways, that’s a completely different story. Fast, forward, I had my CAT results in hand and was completely devastated. So devastated that I once doubted the very reason behind doing an MBA. All those mocks, all those 99+%iles, all those excuses from office in the name of bad health, all just for one reason – MBA. It was a very tough phase for me. I even termed MBA as a sheer waste of money.

Now, unless you are sure you fall in the 5th and the last category, I’d suggest you should review your situation as you might be wasting both your time and money after the highly coveted, distastefully advertised and much advocated “MBA” .

See, I am a metallurgical engineer by degree, so it would be best for me to explain taking myself as an example. Before I took the course up, I didn’t even know what is metallurgy. Right now, I can’t say I am the best metallurgist ever, I can sure say that I know the “what and how” of metallurgy. And given that I have a degree in metallurgy, I should be working somewhere in TATA Steel, JSW Bellary, ISPAT, VIZAG, SAIL or any of the Steel manufacturing companies in India. I have never ever been to even one of them (except for the one day visits we had in college days). In fact, I worked with one of the leading software companies of India for almost two years before realizing that I have wasted my two years. It is a real pain in the posterior to have the constantly nagging thought in your mind that the code you are writing doesn’t make sense when seen in light of what you have studied all your life. You were not made for this!!! Then I started preparing for CAT, or MBA in general, What followed next was nothing less of a dream run. I had great mocks, above average CAT and one devastating section. Results. NOT QUALIFIED. Some dreams do turn into nightmares. Also, it wasn’t only my CAT dream that got shattered. A lot more was at stake.

Though I had appeared for MBA exams in season 2006 and 2008 too, with little success, I decided to give it another go. Then I realised one thing. I studied Metallurgy, worked in a software company and now wanted to go for an MBA! Why in the first place did I not go for a metallurgy job? The one area where I am certified to work!! I literally fought with myself. I pitched various reasons for not doing a job in metallurgy. None worked. I am applying for a job in the steel industry now.

Now let me put it like this.

You give up metallurgy to go into the software sector, thinking it would boost your career like anything and that you would be earning big bucks in a year or two. WAKE UP!!! My company had announced two months ago that there would be no appraisals this fiscal year. Same is the situation with the other players in this field. Now picture yourself if you were selected in a Metallurgy based company. My friends in SAIL are earning more than double of what I used to get when I left my job. Two damn years and all you get is a work experience certificate, and a lesson about why not to be a software engineer (Believe me or not, I am still writing that book for the last 1 year). To hell with that!!! Nothing like the Cinderella dream you had while sitting for that PPT in college.

Well … I think I should rather write what I intended to write in first place. Let’s get back to the categories and see what is wrong in doing an MBA for the wrong reasons.

Well, job is not a very pleasant thing, barring the paycheck that comes at the end of the month (which of course is NEVER ENOUGH). Everyone wants to be the least exploited employee. Believe me, employers do exploit you, you cannot run away from that. It is ubiquitous. Get on with your job and try to learn the basics of it, especially if you are a fresher, a newbie in your job. You would not like being reprimanded for not being upto the mark by your boss just because of some carelessness. Landing a great job is one thing and doing it is quite another. You might think that the job you are currently in is not the right one for you. Believe me, even the Home Minister would rather be the Prime Minister. But, if you can not deliver w.r.t. the responsibilities you are entrusted with today, you will never be able to do the same in any job, no matter how reputed it is!!! So first things first, do not go for an MBA just because you do not like your job, because if you do so, you will never like any job.

Now comes one of the most common reasons – Money. For the last 7-8 years, the placement scenario in the top MBA colleges and even some of the B-rung business schools has changed drastically with respect to what it was say, 15 years ago. One reason – Money!! The astronomical salaries offered by the foreign companies has lured lakhs of youngsters into giving up everything and preparing for “the exam of their life”, as they call it. Who would not want to have a salary of 1 crore rupees? I’d love to!!! What we forget is the investment required to get into these business schools and the slogging required to repay that investment. No one pays 1 crore to the whole staff … not even in their wildest dreams!! If you are thinking that a day will come when every student passing from IIMs will get a crore plus salary, stop hallucinating right now!!! It will always be a one-in-hundred case. And it is very much possible that you end up in the median range of salaries, i.e. 12 lakhs per annum … tastes bitter na?? That is the truth my friend! And not to forget the huge loan you took for bearing the expenses. You are supposed to pay it also … (No, I am not joking!) So, My friend, there you are, with a CTC of 12 lakhs (The in-hand figure will be even lesser) and with a loan of the magnitude of ATLEAST 10+ lakhs. I hope I didn’t crush your plans of buying a SUV in your first year.

Many people say, “Why MBA after engineering?” Well, there is a very common answer, “I want to move to a faster career track and I think I should not have done engineering in the first place. It should have gone for a simple graduation, or even better, a BBA!”

Well, let me tell you this, never ever regret doing engineering (Well, I agree there are less beautiful girls in engineering, but once you are out of college, life’s heaven!!). Being an engineer myself, I once had the same dilemma but soon I realised the advantages I had by virtue of being an engineer. I have the analytical mind and the systematic thought process that was nurtured by the books and labs I suffered during the 4 golden years of engineering. And it is not a waste of one year. Please keep in mind the extra knowledge you get by investing one more year. Plus, maths is an added advantage (apart from learning the know-how about impressing girls). You sure would need basic maths in your MBA … right???

MBA is not a degree I am against, but I believe that only those should opt for it who really want to do it. IT is not a carnival where everyone can come and do a samba dance. In the same way, MBA is not for everybody. The situation nowadays reminds me of post independence (or was it post 60s-70s?), when there was a rush among parents in India to make ONLY doctors and engineers out of their kids, blatantly stating that these were the only respectable professions. Everyone seems mad about MBA and wants to do it at any cost. Engineers are doing it, doctors are doing it, reporters are doing it, everybody … I even know a professional dancer and a painter who are wannabe MBAs. I mean who will build the dams then – the unskilled workers? Who will operate upon a patient in a critical condition – a compounder? Who will collect the headlines for the news channels for the public to watch – an informer?

The answer is pretty simple and we all know that. NO!

Everyone is not meant to do everything. There has to be some difference between the skill sets people have. Society is made up of variety, not monotonousness. You have to recognize what you are really best at and go for that. That might not be the best paying job ever, but that would be one field where you will get maximum out of yourself and will climb the ladder in the best way possible.

Last, but not the least is the person who knows what she/he is doing by opting for an MBA. Such people need not be acquainted with the intricacies of business management, its not necessary for them to know all the keywords and financial terms. What matters is that one knows what is the next step – May it be adjusting to the hectic schedules of life in a business school after already qualifying a tough examination or the even tougher professional life after the placements. Remember it, such people know how to face the challenge that will come their way after they are done with the the current one. You need to have a broader insight and clear plan about your future if you wish to do an MBA. Its not just a Masters degree, its more than that. Its the investment of two of the most precious years in your life, a lot of effort and of course, a hell lot of money. And these people know how to get most out of an MBA – not just the money, but the quality of learning and the ability to implement the same in real life.

So, my friends, I suppose you are the best judge of yourselves. Just give this article a thought and do not take it as any other Gyan ka Article. I bet my bottom dollar that you would find a reason inside you, either to do an MBA or not to …

All the Best. 🙂

PS : After fighting with myself, I have agreed to allow myself to take CAT 2009. The condition is that I have to justify to myself, why exactly I want to do an MBA. If the reasons fall in any but the 5th category, I would not allow myself to go for it. I’d be doing the job I was meant to do, I was taught to do.

>Confessions :( – PART -I

>

April 10, 2004

It was nearly 1 in the night and he was as usual busy with friends, cracking jokes and killing time, just like that. That was the general life there in the hostel at that time. Cigarettes, jokes, groups and tonnez to talk about. College life was still an infant, just 2 months old, starting from Valentine’s day that year itself(Sometimes I think ki starting date hi aisi thi, that’s why he had to face such things). So you can pretty much guess that they were still in the stage where you discuss things about crushes, failures,cribbing about not getting into IITs, chicks in the college and stuff like that. That night was no extraordinary.

Not for all atleast.

Not untill 1 am atleast.

“Abe tera phone hai be…”, Ashish shouted from his room.
He couldn’t believe his ears. Since the day he proposed , i.e. on fool’s day, there hasn’t been a single day when she called that late. Calls have been formal, perhaps out of awkwardness from his side, and perhaps due to confusion from her’s.

He rushed to Ashish’ room and took the phone from him. Putting his palm over the speaker, he asked Ashish, “Tere cell mein kitna balance hai?” “350”, came the reply, relieving him. He still had to get his Nokia 2300. Many things that would happen in the future were still to happen. Well, we will come to that l8r.

“Hello…”, he said.
“Hi…where were you?”, she asked.
“Well, was in my room. And as you know, I do not have a mobile. Not yet”, he said in an irritated tone, knowing that she was just making a base for something else. She was always like this. He always told her that she has a good argumentative attitude. Only that he did not like it when she used to apply it to him.

“You called so late??”, it was now his turn to enquire, and as usual, he was direct to the point.

“Hmmm… wanted to talk to you, if it is ok with you…”, she replied.

He sensed this won’t be alright. Though he was still inexperienced, but his instincts told him that there is something about that night that would change many things. Still, he can’t deny her. He CANT!!!

“Kya hua…you there??? “, She asked, listening to the storm spread in his silence.

“Yep…bolo… I am here…was just not expecting your call..not so late actually”, he said, snuggling into Anand’s chair. He had told Anand and his roommate(only one of them was in the hostel at that time that they can sleep in his bed instead and he would rather not like to be disturbed. Others had gone to some place or other, so it was sort of a privacy for him. Just like he wanted.)

“Well… how are you “, she asked him for the first time in many days after the fool’s day fiasco.

“I am good…gr8!!!”, he said, trying to find some meaning in her questions and trying to fool himself that this is just a simple call, that it has nothing to do with the proposal.

“Hmmmm….Are you alone there??”, she asked.

His heart missed a heartbeat. It cant be! For a moment he thought that the unthinkable is going to happen.
I can still feel the disappointment in his heart when it simply turned out to be a casual question and nothing as he dreamt of with open eyes. Anyways, he was glad she broke the ice by asking about the Fool’s Day Proposal. But at the same time, he feared the things he had known for a very long long time and prayed to god to favor him this one last time. Seems god also sleeps at night.

It started very innocently with a joke. He said something about the delhi girls and she was at her best denying it. Then talks drifted towards future, about college and her admission(Which was pending as of then.. she was in Delhi after her 12th board examinations) and stuff like that.
“Navneet, were you serious that day?”, suddenly she took a giant leap and asked it.

He was relieved…. he was afraid… He had the answer…He couldn’t say it….He had to…

“Yes ‘S’ “… he said and instantly smiled…smiled at the ease with which many things had become crystal clear between them…smiled at the joy it brought to him thinking that finally he had the courage to tell her that he loves her…smiled at his foolishness of April 1st proposal idea… smiled at everything…

“hmmm…really? You love me?”, she still needed some assurance, having had her own set of heartbreaks, she was no novice to these things afterall….or atleast he thought so…

“Hmmmm..yes S..I love you…and not from today.. I have loved you for last 3 years….And I was silent all these years only for everyone’s peace of mind…There was a lot of confusion already…and I thought perhaps the best thing to do is to be quiet…and not to tell anyone..”,He said more than he thought of…and felt proud about it..

“You know something??”, she said with a tinge of naughtiness in her voice…

“What!!??”, he was irritated..obviously..

“I knew that you sort of liked me… I knew it from the way you looked at me”, she said it so simply as if it was nothing….and he took 3 years to say it.

“Huh….We seldom talked in Ranchi….and whenever we did, it was in the presence of either my bros or yours…remember??”, it was nice seeing them having a heart to heart talk…it was really soothing after all these years of suffocating and keeping it inside, he was finally able to speak his mind….he did not know it but something was changing inside him that night…He will never be that shy guy again…He will never be an introvert again… he will never get away without speaking what his mind desires and what his heart thinks…
He will never back down again….

He is still fighting…

To be continued….