Category: Happyness


>Virginity lost !!! :p


>And yes… I lost my virginity… Visited a pub finally 😛

PS:- lost my virginity not as you are thinking :p its just a metaphor…jus in case u assume OTHER THINGS :p


>
Well… It has been ages since I wrote something meaningful.. 🙂 I know waise bhi I seldom do.

There have been changes on many fronts. Personal, professional and vellapanti also :p . Yep…its also a part of my life…vellapanti.. :p

Personal life has been in tumultuous for sure for last four months… with me losing the way on more than just a few occasions…but thanks to my guiding light…( searches for his torch). after every thunderstorm or foggy nights I have always landed on an island full of coconuts(I really like their usability) and crabs (wish I eat some of them finally this year), not to forget the beautiful mermaids :P.

After a long long time I have felt like this regarding my LIFE…and it includes everything I need/want/have . Except for a few spam mails…life is going quite smooth… :p And believe me…sometimes there are spam calls and messages too!!

Recently discovered that someone I trusted and loved from my core has been doing things behind my back and has been telling things to people… lol… was sure shocked and hurt… but dint took much long to recover from that… :p I think the person in question got the apt punishment/reminder of the fact that I do have a spine …finally…I DO HAVE A SPINE!

There has been someone occupying my thoughts all the time for quite sometime and I think it wont be an exaggeration to say that I am in love…. well…depends on how you look at it when you consider that I have been in love 4 more times :rolls-his-eyes: . Okay…you can play your part of character and moral judges but I know the truth…so I need not give any explanation to anyone…Perhaps that was a very strong statement… I should keep away from making such strong statements… But kya karein…inna arrogance bhar ke rakha hua hai..kahan chupau!!! :p
Well… feels nice writing your mind out after such a long long time…Wanted to write a poem for someone in first place but then couldn’t get my thoughts together… And for the perfectionist/border-ist/all or nothing-ist I am, I decided to let the time and emotions take its own course rather than forcing anything artificial on them….

\m/ Dil kyun ye mera shor kare…-2
idhar nahi, udhar nahi…
teri or chale…. :inlove:

Damn!!!I feel like dancing… I did yesterday!! :p


>

April 10, 2004

It was nearly 1 in the night and he was as usual busy with friends, cracking jokes and killing time, just like that. That was the general life there in the hostel at that time. Cigarettes, jokes, groups and tonnez to talk about. College life was still an infant, just 2 months old, starting from Valentine’s day that year itself(Sometimes I think ki starting date hi aisi thi, that’s why he had to face such things). So you can pretty much guess that they were still in the stage where you discuss things about crushes, failures,cribbing about not getting into IITs, chicks in the college and stuff like that. That night was no extraordinary.

Not for all atleast.

Not untill 1 am atleast.

“Abe tera phone hai be…”, Ashish shouted from his room.
He couldn’t believe his ears. Since the day he proposed , i.e. on fool’s day, there hasn’t been a single day when she called that late. Calls have been formal, perhaps out of awkwardness from his side, and perhaps due to confusion from her’s.

He rushed to Ashish’ room and took the phone from him. Putting his palm over the speaker, he asked Ashish, “Tere cell mein kitna balance hai?” “350”, came the reply, relieving him. He still had to get his Nokia 2300. Many things that would happen in the future were still to happen. Well, we will come to that l8r.

“Hello…”, he said.
“Hi…where were you?”, she asked.
“Well, was in my room. And as you know, I do not have a mobile. Not yet”, he said in an irritated tone, knowing that she was just making a base for something else. She was always like this. He always told her that she has a good argumentative attitude. Only that he did not like it when she used to apply it to him.

“You called so late??”, it was now his turn to enquire, and as usual, he was direct to the point.

“Hmmm… wanted to talk to you, if it is ok with you…”, she replied.

He sensed this won’t be alright. Though he was still inexperienced, but his instincts told him that there is something about that night that would change many things. Still, he can’t deny her. He CANT!!!

“Kya hua…you there??? “, She asked, listening to the storm spread in his silence.

“Yep…bolo… I am here…was just not expecting your call..not so late actually”, he said, snuggling into Anand’s chair. He had told Anand and his roommate(only one of them was in the hostel at that time that they can sleep in his bed instead and he would rather not like to be disturbed. Others had gone to some place or other, so it was sort of a privacy for him. Just like he wanted.)

“Well… how are you “, she asked him for the first time in many days after the fool’s day fiasco.

“I am good…gr8!!!”, he said, trying to find some meaning in her questions and trying to fool himself that this is just a simple call, that it has nothing to do with the proposal.

“Hmmmm….Are you alone there??”, she asked.

His heart missed a heartbeat. It cant be! For a moment he thought that the unthinkable is going to happen.
I can still feel the disappointment in his heart when it simply turned out to be a casual question and nothing as he dreamt of with open eyes. Anyways, he was glad she broke the ice by asking about the Fool’s Day Proposal. But at the same time, he feared the things he had known for a very long long time and prayed to god to favor him this one last time. Seems god also sleeps at night.

It started very innocently with a joke. He said something about the delhi girls and she was at her best denying it. Then talks drifted towards future, about college and her admission(Which was pending as of then.. she was in Delhi after her 12th board examinations) and stuff like that.
“Navneet, were you serious that day?”, suddenly she took a giant leap and asked it.

He was relieved…. he was afraid… He had the answer…He couldn’t say it….He had to…

“Yes ‘S’ “… he said and instantly smiled…smiled at the ease with which many things had become crystal clear between them…smiled at the joy it brought to him thinking that finally he had the courage to tell her that he loves her…smiled at his foolishness of April 1st proposal idea… smiled at everything…

“hmmm…really? You love me?”, she still needed some assurance, having had her own set of heartbreaks, she was no novice to these things afterall….or atleast he thought so…

“Hmmmm..yes S..I love you…and not from today.. I have loved you for last 3 years….And I was silent all these years only for everyone’s peace of mind…There was a lot of confusion already…and I thought perhaps the best thing to do is to be quiet…and not to tell anyone..”,He said more than he thought of…and felt proud about it..

“You know something??”, she said with a tinge of naughtiness in her voice…

“What!!??”, he was irritated..obviously..

“I knew that you sort of liked me… I knew it from the way you looked at me”, she said it so simply as if it was nothing….and he took 3 years to say it.

“Huh….We seldom talked in Ranchi….and whenever we did, it was in the presence of either my bros or yours…remember??”, it was nice seeing them having a heart to heart talk…it was really soothing after all these years of suffocating and keeping it inside, he was finally able to speak his mind….he did not know it but something was changing inside him that night…He will never be that shy guy again…He will never be an introvert again… he will never get away without speaking what his mind desires and what his heart thinks…
He will never back down again….

He is still fighting…

To be continued….

>I am going down


>

Well…. To be frank, I am bored. Bored of this place, bored of people, bored of lies again and again, bored of same old things…bored of myself. I know its not a very good thing to say, but off late I have lost the direction and I dunno if I am ever gonna know what I was supposed to do. Get a job,get married, raise kids, grow old, die??? Is that it? I dun wanna be like that. That would be the worst thing that could happen to me if I dint find out why I am here… I really gives a severe headache… Crap yaar!!! Atleast the disillusion of MBA kept me busy. Now there is no pretending. And I am glad about it. Atleast not doing the right thing is less dangerous than doing the wrong thing thinking it’s right. I know this one job has changed my attitude a lot and perhaps I have started respecting finer things in life.

I wanted to be a poet, though I do not write any good. But then again, that was where my heart was and perhaps that’s why I write sometimes even today. But this bloody world…well..I can’t eat my poems. I need to earn….WTF! May be someday I will have the courage to break away from this zombie crowd…one day I will… 😦 

Perhaps I will publish my book, even if just one copy of it. 🙂


>– That life isn’t all about sex.


– That there must be something very great in marriage, that’s why the institution has survived morons like me, who do not believe in it.

– That eating the last piece of cake in the room is tougher than cracking an MBA exam.

– That there is always some whiskey in the bottle.

– That best friends are often jerks. You do need to see your alikes in this world at times.

– That its not the best thing to pataao your best friend’s sister.

– That there is no dearth of girls in this world.

– That crying at one’s pain is easiest, laughing is a bit tougher, but telling no one about it is the toughest thing.

– That its never too late untill its really late.

– That none of us can ever forget those eyes and that voice(for guys).


– That its not a right thing to call your ex if you still have got any feelings for her/him.

– That at one point in your life, you would believe that you have lost it, and you would be proven wrong by yourself.

– That truth is stranger than fiction.
– That love does exist, and its not mandatory to love just once. That funda is bull shit!

– That we all wish we were something which we do not understand properly.


– That some plans are executed best when executed in an unplanned manner.

– That some days are plain bad, you can’t do much about them.

– That no matter how much effort you put in, there will be an asshole to tell you its not enough.

– That looks have nothing to do with attracting girls, as far as you have the qualities.

– That some girls are bitches and some guys are bastards.

– That eating an apple a day actually contributes little towards keeping the doc away. Overrated proverb.


– That smoking kills lesser people than malnutrition does.


– That this post is stretching idiotically long and its time for me to sleep…..damnnn… quarter past 4 in the morning….ROFL!!!


– That contrary to popular belief, Daaru ke baad padhne mein bahut mazaaa aata hai!!! 😀


>
I am standing at the bus stop,
My necktie is going all flip flop,
The hair you combed is messed again,
And all the kisses seem to be in vain,

I wonder if you packed my lunch box,
And my toes want to get out of these socks,
The water bottle feels too heavy now,
I want to be alright, but don’t know how,

I look on the street, the children are playing,
They are also grown ups, why no school for them,
I wonder if you just wanted to send me away,
This single thought makes my head go down in shame,

I see the school bus coming to my stop,
I see the open windows,from which many heads pop,
I think of you and my heartbeat goes fast,
Wonder if even one day I am gonna last,

Then I hear your voice, telling me to be good kid,
Telling me to be brave and things which I will need,
I smile at your touch and kiss you on cheeks,
In your arms I find the love I seek.

I know this is something I have not written in a long long time. Was just missing my Ma and phone nahi lag raha thaa….so Thought of writing something for her. 🙂 Love you Ma.


>I stand by the bridge,
looking at the river, the sun going down,
vehicles running madly by my back,
people getting lost in this vast town,

I try to remember, I look into my mind,
Its hard to find the way,I feel as if I am blind,
I see the reflections,I search for water to find,
Only to be lost in the desert, only with sand in in my hand,

The sheep are going to the woods,
They don’t know what for!!!
They are habituated to be directed,
Dunno how to go to the “forbidden” land,

I also see the birds,flying high in the sky,
Oblivious of my pain, unable to hear my cry,
I see the beauties passing by,playing and singing loud,
They see the shining sun,ignorant of the giant cloud,

Finally I see myself, looking back at me,
A smile on “his” face, “he’s” asking me to be free,
He removes his clothes, and gets off his shoes,
And jumps into the river, swims free while the wind blows.


>Its time.

Goodbye Mumbai. Love ya. 😦

Will miss ya a lot.

😦

>He- The Voice


>
He sits in the corner, sipping his black coffee,
Wearing an indifferent expression, neither violent nor meek,
He watches the people, running away from themselves,
He wonders at them, “Dunno how that helps”,

He has seen a lot and has gone through much,
He pretends he shut it,but it opens at a touch,
The evenings of laughter, the mornings of joy,
Sometimes feeling as if he was treated like a toy,

He sees people thinking that they will forget,
He laughs at these fools, and wished they never met,
He sips his black coffee, storms stirring inside,
He must choose an option.now he must decide,

To be with these people and be like just them,
Or run away from everything,turn all in the flames,
I don’t know what he will do, but I will be with him,
For he is the voice the screaming within.

PS:- I know off late my poems might have lost that touch. It happens. I do not feel like writing anything romantic anymore…. may be some personal reasons, but these things are not anymore for me…. I might even stop writing… It takes too much to bring on paper what goes inside my mind. I do not write fictional poetry. I write what I have seen. I write my own experiences….. perhaps that is the reason I do not wish to write anymore… I am fed up of being at the receiving end all the time and telling about it on my blog…may be I am ashamed of myself…of failing time and again…. May be… It always happens 😦

Just pray this was the last time I fell for someone…I wish either I could never rise…or rise so much that I could never see anyone worthy enough to fall for…

😦


>Looking into those enchanting eyes,
I muttered something,eating the french fries,
She said something interesting,
I smiled, hiding all my cries,

A stroll on the beach alone,
with no one else around the rising sun,
Hands held together, never to let go,
fingers entwined, like often our fates go,

A chicken tikka sandwich, which I munch,
The screams go unheard, in the sound of the crunch,
I pretend to be happy, try to smile,
she thinks it’s alright, unable to see the storm,

A call after midnight, a conversation starts,
I say it’s over, I’ve already tried too hard,
She blames me of many things, stupidity included,
And hangs on me forever, explanations misunderstood,

I rest on my bed, smiling at what I did, Smiling at how I played my part,
it might separate us, but will save me the pain of being torn apart,
I might be wrong like always before, I agree to that,
But its the best thing to do, Brutal but Honest, no doubts on that…


>I know I have to be mad to be writing this post…almost same as my earlier post… Pardon me if it seems boring sort of to u people….This time it is PERSONAL…

I love you…I love you and that includes all the fights I have had with you, all the things we have enjoyed together, all the things we have discussed over and all the things we have argued on…It includes every damn phone call to you at the cost of my dinner meal…It includes every damn risk you have taken talking to me despite your issues…it includes all the verbal abuses I’ve thrown at you…It includes all the things you have said to me and made me suffer about… It includes every smile you have given me…every touch I felt of you on my skin…Every night I thought of you and cried to realise you are not gonna be with me…every lie i told you only to tell you the truth 10 minutes later… every thing I have done for you and never told you that I did it….

I love you…and yes..I am still crazy for you… come to me and tell me you do not feel the same way I do…tell me if u can…else I am going to delete this blog within 1 month… with no more sane posts…yes..u got me right…and with will end all of my online presence…not to forget that I do not have an offline one… 🙂

P.S. :- I love you sweetheart


>
I was walking alone, on the wet sand,
you said you wanted to hold my hand,
You said you wanted to be with me,
No matter whatever the situation be,

You said you will always be by my side,
and that you have nothing to hide,
You took me from me, you took my spirit,
You changed me into what I see in mirror but don’t know

You told this was special, that we were so meant to be,
And I just smiled, happy and joyous and free,
You made me fly, made me laugh, I ask now “WHY?”,
When all that you wanted to do was to make me cry?

You decided all, when to come, when to go, when to leave me alone,
Never thought of me, as if I was nothing, lifeless like a stone,
You left me stranded on crossroads, without telling which way to go,
“What do I do now?”..I won’t ask YOU! Though even I don’t know!


>
This emptiness, creeps into the chamber of my mind,
Telling me to withdraw, to take a step behind,
I am confused, my eyes are blank,
I do not know how deal with this,

I was at peace, with everything in place,
Or was it? Now the only question in the “empty space”?
It all seems absurd, to even ponder over,
when I do not even want a friend, or a lover,

Losing my way or learning? I can not say!
For I never knew to think like this way,
I fumble at the door, the door of the knowledge,
I want know why this change I can’t understand,

Which way to go, I swear I don’t know,
Will you leave me or deliver a deadly blow?
I want to run far far away from here,
To a place where, no fear would be near,

Is it a meteor unknown, from the deeps of another world?
Or is it the rose, from my very own garden? I don’t know!!
Glowing inside me, or is it a hallucinating spark?
I wander in the mist, searching for a light in the dark,


>
hmmm… Nice title…what you think? I think it is pretty good. Nice way to start a rather controversial issue. Well, not everyone agrees with me, but then, I never ask anyone to. :p

Back to the topic again, “Are you suffocating?” I mean, I am not talking about that cigarette that you smoked 37 minutes ago, neither about how you are feeling in the loo this early morning. No…. I prefer to talk about them rather straight forwardly . Arghhhhh…ok ok..

When was the last time you really felt at peace with her/him without wanting to feel so? I mean, you should not be looking for internal satisfaction, it should be always there, right? I have seen many relationships; not to forget some of mine too; where either one or the both of the participants(well a rather crude term to use, but then, lets be frank here at least) were just pretending so much to show the other one that they were happy that they almost forget the real meaning of happiness. It is not something which takes a ticket and catches a train, so that it can reach to you at a specified time and place. I hope you do not have that notion of happiness.

So do you feel a longing inside you even now? Despite having so many parties to attend together, how many times do you have dinner together on a non-party day? Is the relationship only meant for parties? I mean okay, in Indian context I am not going to be focusing much on Live-in relationships(though I want to, and I promise will write on it someday), still having a dinner with your better half is no more a taboo in Indian culture!! At least I do not think so! So, tell me, despite him doing so many “cute” and “sweet” things for you, how many times it had been the case that you have expected him to show some more love and were disappointed, only to put up a face still smiling and never telling him how you felt. You’d rather tell your inner self that everything is okay and it is the way life goes. Does it?? Is it what you wanted 1 year back? Are the scenarios same? Are you afraid of talking to him about the issues on your mind? Or are you too afraid of letting go of the stability in your life? Afraid of feeling like a loser?

For guys, I think I can explain your agony with your loved one much better as I am a guy(yes…stop grinning). “Why was her cell busy despite her telling about her studying and not being able to talk to me”, or “Is there someone else”, or “Why is she behaving so strange” to “Why she always starts the same issue…I told her there is nothing between me and my ex!!!” . Remember something??? :p Yes…that’s the way with guys, they will think all this, and will never ask the other one just because they are too afraid and insecure about making things worse than they already are. Wake up guys, it is the best thing to mouth your fears rather than accumulating them inside which often results in bizarre results. It is never wrong to say what is in your mind…never

So .. all I want to say is that do not suffocate… rise up and say what is inside your mind…if the other person loves you so much as both of you think, there should not be any space for such holes in a relationship which suck away all the melody from it.


>
Well, after a zillion years(or so it seemed), I have decided to write something which doesn’t sound negative. It is special to me, as it is for someone very special in my life.

I saw you standing there, looking far in the moonlight,
like a new young bird all set, to take her maiden flight,
Your face was fresh like dew, all lights looked dim by you,
As you talked to guy, I later learnt he was your nephew,

You talked like the cuckoo sings,your hands resembling its wings,
Your eyes were blue like the sea, Oh! How I wished they could see me,
Your skin fairer than snow, and hair like the river flow,
Your cheeks redder than a rose,I wished I could hold you close,

I would never forget that day, when you turned and smiled at me,
I felt light like a feather, in the sky flying high and free,
You came to me and talked for a while,and all I remember is your Smyle,
I remember your laugh,its sound, and my heart went round and round,

You left soon for home,it felt like you’ve gone to Rome,
In though among my friends, I felt like am all alone,
It was the feeling which kept me awake at nights,
While your eyes brightened my heart with its miraculous lights.

%d bloggers like this: