Category: shyamali



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April 10, 2004

It was nearly 1 in the night and he was as usual busy with friends, cracking jokes and killing time, just like that. That was the general life there in the hostel at that time. Cigarettes, jokes, groups and tonnez to talk about. College life was still an infant, just 2 months old, starting from Valentine’s day that year itself(Sometimes I think ki starting date hi aisi thi, that’s why he had to face such things). So you can pretty much guess that they were still in the stage where you discuss things about crushes, failures,cribbing about not getting into IITs, chicks in the college and stuff like that. That night was no extraordinary.

Not for all atleast.

Not untill 1 am atleast.

“Abe tera phone hai be…”, Ashish shouted from his room.
He couldn’t believe his ears. Since the day he proposed , i.e. on fool’s day, there hasn’t been a single day when she called that late. Calls have been formal, perhaps out of awkwardness from his side, and perhaps due to confusion from her’s.

He rushed to Ashish’ room and took the phone from him. Putting his palm over the speaker, he asked Ashish, “Tere cell mein kitna balance hai?” “350”, came the reply, relieving him. He still had to get his Nokia 2300. Many things that would happen in the future were still to happen. Well, we will come to that l8r.

“Hello…”, he said.
“Hi…where were you?”, she asked.
“Well, was in my room. And as you know, I do not have a mobile. Not yet”, he said in an irritated tone, knowing that she was just making a base for something else. She was always like this. He always told her that she has a good argumentative attitude. Only that he did not like it when she used to apply it to him.

“You called so late??”, it was now his turn to enquire, and as usual, he was direct to the point.

“Hmmm… wanted to talk to you, if it is ok with you…”, she replied.

He sensed this won’t be alright. Though he was still inexperienced, but his instincts told him that there is something about that night that would change many things. Still, he can’t deny her. He CANT!!!

“Kya hua…you there??? “, She asked, listening to the storm spread in his silence.

“Yep…bolo… I am here…was just not expecting your call..not so late actually”, he said, snuggling into Anand’s chair. He had told Anand and his roommate(only one of them was in the hostel at that time that they can sleep in his bed instead and he would rather not like to be disturbed. Others had gone to some place or other, so it was sort of a privacy for him. Just like he wanted.)

“Well… how are you “, she asked him for the first time in many days after the fool’s day fiasco.

“I am good…gr8!!!”, he said, trying to find some meaning in her questions and trying to fool himself that this is just a simple call, that it has nothing to do with the proposal.

“Hmmmm….Are you alone there??”, she asked.

His heart missed a heartbeat. It cant be! For a moment he thought that the unthinkable is going to happen.
I can still feel the disappointment in his heart when it simply turned out to be a casual question and nothing as he dreamt of with open eyes. Anyways, he was glad she broke the ice by asking about the Fool’s Day Proposal. But at the same time, he feared the things he had known for a very long long time and prayed to god to favor him this one last time. Seems god also sleeps at night.

It started very innocently with a joke. He said something about the delhi girls and she was at her best denying it. Then talks drifted towards future, about college and her admission(Which was pending as of then.. she was in Delhi after her 12th board examinations) and stuff like that.
“Navneet, were you serious that day?”, suddenly she took a giant leap and asked it.

He was relieved…. he was afraid… He had the answer…He couldn’t say it….He had to…

“Yes ‘S’ “… he said and instantly smiled…smiled at the ease with which many things had become crystal clear between them…smiled at the joy it brought to him thinking that finally he had the courage to tell her that he loves her…smiled at his foolishness of April 1st proposal idea… smiled at everything…

“hmmm…really? You love me?”, she still needed some assurance, having had her own set of heartbreaks, she was no novice to these things afterall….or atleast he thought so…

“Hmmmm..yes S..I love you…and not from today.. I have loved you for last 3 years….And I was silent all these years only for everyone’s peace of mind…There was a lot of confusion already…and I thought perhaps the best thing to do is to be quiet…and not to tell anyone..”,He said more than he thought of…and felt proud about it..

“You know something??”, she said with a tinge of naughtiness in her voice…

“What!!??”, he was irritated..obviously..

“I knew that you sort of liked me… I knew it from the way you looked at me”, she said it so simply as if it was nothing….and he took 3 years to say it.

“Huh….We seldom talked in Ranchi….and whenever we did, it was in the presence of either my bros or yours…remember??”, it was nice seeing them having a heart to heart talk…it was really soothing after all these years of suffocating and keeping it inside, he was finally able to speak his mind….he did not know it but something was changing inside him that night…He will never be that shy guy again…He will never be an introvert again… he will never get away without speaking what his mind desires and what his heart thinks…
He will never back down again….

He is still fighting…

To be continued….


>Continued form Amused Me

Well, the classes started. 16 June,2001. It was quite a new experience for a guy like me who was from a very small place and wasn’t used to such big schools containing 2 thousand students in just +2 . My earlier school had barely 400 in all. Anyways, since I has accustomed to the city, school wasn’t much of discomfort. In fact, I made some very good friends on the first day itself. I still remember meeting Kunal,Pushkar,Sanatan…hmmm.. There were others too..Abhishek..then abhishek..nd another abhishek…and finally..one more abhishek….I was hilarious…$ for the same name. We used to call them from their surnames. Then, there were girls. Ahhhh… Well.. Being the shy guy I was, I avoided talking to them but had my every sense awake while hearing their introductions… Well….signs…

There was this girl Megha(name changed) who was very beautiful. Though there were others too, but this one caught my attention(most of it). Well, her eyes and the way she laughed…ahhh..I think that day I was smitten all over her. Apparently, though I never proposed her(or even talked to her much), she plays a very important part in my story. She is the base of my story.


>Well, I settled down in Ranchi quite comfortably and loved the place. New place with new rules. I was enjoying the change and a new freedom I was handed. We still had 2 weeks for school to start and so me and my cousin decided to roam the city on our bicycles every evening. He introduced me to one of his friends, Rahul. He lived a few quarters next to ours and it seemed that my cousin and he were very good friends. I, being my introvert self(yes I was , at that time), kept away and interacted very little with him.

Anyways, the three of us used to roam around all the evenings and it was real fun. But we had some restrictions too. We had to get back before chacha came back else we must be having a very strong excuse to be spared of verbal bashing. :p
We started going tutions together. My cousin was living in Ranchi for quite some time so he had contacts and know how of where to study for different subjects. Maths, Physics and Chemistry, we joined for all three and thus the studies rolled out along with the fun and freedom.
It was really the best time,r of my life. Three innocent kids having fun is something which many few people remember now that they are grown ups. I even made good friends with Rahul.

It was all perfect. Everything….

>Alone


>Long time. Nothing about story. I am sure the few odd visitors of this blog must have thought, “Another flash in the Pan!!! lol “.

Sorry, I have quit being a quitter.

Story time.

29th June 2001,Morning

I reached Ranchi and two days Papa was with me, I was living in the constant fear of parting with him. School will open only on 16th july, due to excessive heat that year(2001). I was disappointed to have come so early. I was missing ghar already a lot. I missed the nakhare I used to do at home. I knew by the feel of somethings, that gone were the days of the special treatment.

I missed my Ma. Most. She has been the only lady who has talked to me in the most gentle manner even when I shouted at her. No one, and READ IT LOUD, NO ONE HAS EVER TOLERATED ME AS MUCH AS THIS GREAT LADY. I am sorry Ma….sometimes I am not myself, or you can say, more of myself. 😀 I love you. You know na…??

Anyways… I missed my yester-life and was dying after knowing that Papa will be leaving on 30th…. 😦 Just one day?? We went shopping for me. School Dresses, Two jeans(some of my earliest ones) and a pair of Tees. I remember asking my cousin chiku about what to buy. I was a complete naive back then. I wish I could be as innocent as I was that day once more. Just for a day.

Then we went for bicycle. Hero DevilDX. My first MINE moving object. I was soooooo happy…silver metallic…solid one.. Just as i wanted. Chiku was jealous(I wasn’t so naive, You see!!)

30th June 2001

Papa left finally. I didn’t cry. I was silent. It seemed in that one moment when Papa disappeared into his compartment after train started, I grew up a bit. I was silent. I had so much to share but couldn’t. I had no one to share how i felt.

At that time, I never had an inkling that I will never have anyone to share how I felt.


>I was thinking. I was at it again. There were thoughts of insanity and a madness to do something again. In short, I was feeling lonely after a long long time. It might be due to the monotonous life I have been living for quite sometime now. Perhaps I need a change. I have wondered about this question a million times, “Why do I need a change every now and then?”, without a success with the answer. It happens all the time.

At first, I was afraid to go away from my home after class 10th. Thought I would not like the world. I did. I enjoyed Ranchi. I enjoyed company of my friends and my cousin. I enjoyed seeing the girl I loved. I enjoyed her smile, talking to her and her anger. I enjoyed it all. Then things happened. I was broken. I wanted to be back in my ever safe shelter, my home, Pusa. I didn’t enjoy Ranchi anymore.

I was in class 12 and wanted to go back to home ASAP the exams were over. I went home after the exams finished. I enjoyed “ghar ka khana” after a long long time for a long long time. i enjoyed the safe sanctuary of my parents where none could hurt my feelings and where all my wounds started to heal slowly.i started studying for Engineering entrances in a much more disciplined manner now. But met with little success. I had to face my parents and their
questioning glances all the time. My every action was being looked upon with a mixture of disgust and pity.

Then eventually I got bored of home!!! I wanted to break free and get a life of my own, ruled by my own rules(I am still fighting over this one). I wanted freedom. Seems it was too much to ask for a 17 year old boy. I wanted to get away from my home. And I wanted it badly. I really wanted freedom.

I succeeded one odd time in one of the exams. I got into a college. I started to enjoy the newly found freedom. I enjoyed the friends and girls. I started to enjoy a hell lot more than that. I enjoyed life. It was all perfect. Then came the monotonous and quiet part of the college. Campus selection and exams. Along with came poverty, with not enough in pockets to feed ourselves. Reason being the parties we have been throwing off late.

I was bored with my college life and I wanted a job. I wanted money and to enjoy it now. To get everything life could offer and to live my life to the fullest. College finished and I joined my job. I enjoyed the new place, big city, Mumbai. I enjoyed the thousands of bucks inflowing into my first ever bank account and I enjoyed the chicks here. I loved this life. I thought, “Yes! I wanted this all the time”. I was wrong.

I started to get bored in my job. I found out that its too tough to move up the ladder here, especially in this company. I wondered why I always wanted to be a software engineer. I discovered that despite being exceptionally good at maths, I was just average at programming. I started to hate this job which taught nothing and made a zombie out of me. I understood that this is not what I want. I got a new interest meanwhile.
MBA.

I wanted to get into a good MBA college now. I hated my job like hell. I wanted to quit. I waited due to the bond money. I prepared hard for one long year. I performed well in the mocks. I failed though, finally. Just 95.12%ile.
I was shattered. I started concentrating on my job again. I knew i had ignored it too long for not to be punished.

Eventually I got some calls and though I tried hard, failed to convert them. I lost the job too meanwhile.

I was sort of free now. The freedom I had always craved for. I enjoyed this too, but came to terms with hard fact that I am not earning anymore. I realised how hard it is to survive in a city like mumbai without earning. I started looking out for a job. I thought it will be easier, but it is not.

Now I am feeling very lonely and left out. And now I do realise some of the wrongs I have done in my life. I realise now that I should be more disciplined regarding myself and my life.

Still, there is a crazy Navi sitting inside my heart, wanting me to do the things I want to do and not what I should do.

I am confused. I am lost.


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Finally, I was going to Ranchi and I was happy about it. Not that I wanted it whole heartedly though. Me and Ma pondered over a million issues that will arise and used each and every of them as an excuse against sending me. There were fears of me not being able to adjust in a place away from my family. There were fears and rumours of ragging being very harsh in “these” schools in cities. I was also afraid of a few things. I have never been away from my family for more than barely 5 days. So it was natural for me to fear what could be out there in the world.

I knew i will get to see many things that were not here in Pusa. I knew that life will never be the same as I will be on my own although I would be living with my chacha’s family. It was understood that now I am supposed to be a more responsible and confident person than I had been till that time. I was happy about the fact that I would be tasting the wine of independence and will enjoy every moment of it.

After many sessions with Ma and Papa, and some telephonic conversations with chacha, chachi and chiku, I was getting to get rid of the fear thaat had been in my insides for so many days. It was decided that I will be going to DAV JVM Shyamali, the same school my cousin Chiku used to go. Plan was to make the two of us study together and keep us in strict discipline of chacha. :p

Anyways, me and papa went to Ranchi and I got admitted in the school based on my Xth board marks. I was really proud of myself. I got afternoon session, to my delight as it would mean that I would be attending school in a complete new timing. “It will be great experience.”, I thought to myself. Anyways, we returned soon and went to Vaishno Devi for week.I wish I could go one more time.

When we returned, there was barely anytime for us to be with each other(me and my family). Shopping and discussions were all we could think. My parents always kept telling me how to behave and what not to do. There were days when I saw Ma crying for I will be leaving in a matter of 4-5 days. She always loved me most, even though when I have behaved in a very bad manner with her at times. Perhaps there are some things which only parents can feel. I always get amused at why they keep worrying about me. But then, that’s what all parents do. Their children are their motive of life. I should perhaps behave much more better with them. They deserve more than what I give them. 😦

Anyways, came the fateful day of 28th June, exactly one month after my results were announced, and I left for an unknown city. Behind I left not only my parents, but my friends and my childhood. I was a child no more. I would not be getting the comfort of my OWN house and the food from my Ma’s kitchen. I would not have my father by my side to support me nor my little sister to play with and get angry at. I knew that new things were waiting for me. New friends, new things, new life.

What I didn’t think was that there would be a girl also.

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