Category: adddiction

>No. I am not going to direct a movie. I mean, thanks for the offer, but I am too busy this summer. Lol. The post title has nothing to do with Bruce Willis either or his fighting skills. Only thing common is the word, “Die” .
You might be thinking why “Die Easy 5.0” ?There are so many easy ways to die, why die the hard way then?

Okay, I’ll get back to my original thought behind this post. It is called, a will to quit smoking. I know there will be many people who would simply laugh this thing away. Its for such people I have titled this post “Die EASY 5.0”. “No one can quit smoking forever”, is one of the most famous statements which I have heard on suggesting my friends to quit smoking. People who smoke take it as a personal offense when someone asks them to quit smoking. I have myself behaved in a very irritated manner when my best friend asked me to quit smoking. I almost stopped talking to her. But she was the one who gave me the confidence in first place that quitting the stick is not a herculean task, but just a matter of self control. She would have been proud of me had she been watching me now. Anyways, that’s a different matter, although of heart, it has nothing to do with smoking. Whatever….

Many people have asked me reasons one must ponder over as to why she/he should boot the cigarette. The reasons are very simple. The most important is INSCRIBED on the pack of cigarettes. I hope you can see that, and if possible, read it too. So next time you buy yourself a pack, try reading things written all over it, and not just the price. It will enlighten you for sure, if you are dumb enough not to know till now.

Why do you smoke? Ask yourself. I am sure your reason must be among the following two:-
1) It makes me look cool.
2) I am addicted to it.

I can bet my 2 cents(yep that’s what I can afford at most dun even have 50 cents) that your reason would not be out of what I have listed above.
It actually starts with an innocent friend hanging out with his friends on a weekend. Or may be someone who has been out of his home for the first time into the INTERESTING and EXCITING world of college life and hostels. Or it may be someone who is simply awed by the stylishness of the way Rajanikanth lights up the cigarettes in between his fight with two dozen goons.
No matter how it starts, there is no “Only just for the first time”. The smoke always attracts the first timers.
A matchbox,a stick and few friends on the rooftop of college hostel. It seems like the perfect setting for masti. Actually, I have seen many chain smokers start like this only. Including me. I remember my first puff. My head spun and lungs wanted to blast off. It was really an “out-of-body” experience, as many of the smokers describe. Only, it was not a pleasant one. I was a smoker for 5 years, but there has not been a single day when I have not hated the smell of cigarette and felt uneasy at the smoke around me. Quite confusing na? These words coming from a chain smoker. Yes, even I think sometimes the reason I smoked when I never really liked it, and I found out that I had made it a part of my life, too integral to be scrapped away like that.

It does become a habit very quickly. Not my word, but from the scientists. I always used to laugh away at this and said that nicotine is NOT addictive. Now I do agree with it. What else can describe the craving for something which you know is bad for you, going to make you pay in order to buy death and going to be something which you will not be proud of telling to your parents. My parents never realized I was into smoking. I never told them either.

Going back to our reasons for smoking… Let’s talk them in detail..It’s actually sort of funny..

Reason-cum-Hallucination no. 1
-It makes me look cool.

Bah!!! ^%^$^%^@#@ I feel like saying many things, but I have to maintain some decency I think. So in one word, BS! If you think smoking is “the one” thing which takes away from you all your UNCOOLNESS and drowns you into a vast ocean of coolness, then I think you should rather consider going to Himalayas. You will feel pretty much cool there… Tell me… Do you really think if some girl sees you smoking she starts fancying you? Do you think that she will talk to you if she saw you smoking? Wake up loser!!! This is the word from the mouth of horse(or donkey) himself… Girls Hate smokers. No one likes to kiss you when your mouth is stinking of the dirty smell of cigarette and your clothes smell of the same. Actually, she would rather prefer to be as away from you as possible. So you see your coolness lands you in a cool pile shit as far as girls are considered. Besides, its no fashion show idiots!! You are not making a fashion statement by lighting that stick. And if you need a lighting stick in order to make a statement about your coolness among your friends, you really need to seriously introspect yourself. Losers!!!

Reason-cum-Hallucination no. 2
-I am addicted to it.

Get over it idiots! There is nothing like that. Addicted…lame excuse of an eternal loser who doesn’t have the balls to face himself in the mirror and tell himself to get his life going the right way. Instead, he simply goes on living the life as it comes and simply shrugs all the troubles in his life away. If you really want to quit smoking, then throw away that pack in your cupboard, or may be in you pocket. And make one simple vow of never touching it. A vow over your self respect, if you still have some left within yourself. If your heart is into quitting it, you will see that how easy it is to avoid it despite numerous chances to light it up and smoke up your life.
All the best you are thinking of quitting.

PS:- Just think what your parents will think of you if they found out you are a smoker. I am over this smoking thing and still unable to tell them that I used to smoke. It is one thing I am ashamed of. I was never so afraid even when I told them about the girl I loved. Now you can yourself assume how shameful it is when you have to uncover this “smoking truth” before your friends.They have too much faith in me. I can’t see it destroyed. I wish I can muster up enough courage someday to tell them about this. Pray For me friends 🙂

>Looking into those enchanting eyes,
I muttered something,eating the french fries,
She said something interesting,
I smiled, hiding all my cries,

A stroll on the beach alone,
with no one else around the rising sun,
Hands held together, never to let go,
fingers entwined, like often our fates go,

A chicken tikka sandwich, which I munch,
The screams go unheard, in the sound of the crunch,
I pretend to be happy, try to smile,
she thinks it’s alright, unable to see the storm,

A call after midnight, a conversation starts,
I say it’s over, I’ve already tried too hard,
She blames me of many things, stupidity included,
And hangs on me forever, explanations misunderstood,

I rest on my bed, smiling at what I did, Smiling at how I played my part,
it might separate us, but will save me the pain of being torn apart,
I might be wrong like always before, I agree to that,
But its the best thing to do, Brutal but Honest, no doubts on that…

>I know I have to be mad to be writing this post…almost same as my earlier post… Pardon me if it seems boring sort of to u people….This time it is PERSONAL…

I love you…I love you and that includes all the fights I have had with you, all the things we have enjoyed together, all the things we have discussed over and all the things we have argued on…It includes every damn phone call to you at the cost of my dinner meal…It includes every damn risk you have taken talking to me despite your issues…it includes all the verbal abuses I’ve thrown at you…It includes all the things you have said to me and made me suffer about… It includes every smile you have given me…every touch I felt of you on my skin…Every night I thought of you and cried to realise you are not gonna be with me…every lie i told you only to tell you the truth 10 minutes later… every thing I have done for you and never told you that I did it….

I love you…and yes..I am still crazy for you… come to me and tell me you do not feel the same way I do…tell me if u can…else I am going to delete this blog within 1 month… with no more sane posts…yes..u got me right…and with will end all of my online presence…not to forget that I do not have an offline one… 🙂

P.S. :- I love you sweetheart

>I don’t know why I am writing this post. One thing is sure. Either I am so good an actor that I can pretend to myself about nothing being wrong to my life or I am completely a dual personality who can easily live a life when his alter ego is suffering every moment of his life. I would have loved any of the two being ignorant of the other one. I am not happy…. Why do I want you back?


I do not love you….no I don’t…

Then why the hell I want you back!!!!

Atleast respond to this if you are reading it!!! You heartless creature…..

“Navneet, Navneet!! Darwaaza khol!!”

“Who is this??? Baad mein aana…so rahein hain abhi” I muttered some swear words and turned my head inside my razaai again.

“Abe Ashish hain hum… khol…Phone hai tera…”

“Phone?? Abe Kal de dena. M Sleeping now”, I shouted, clearly annoyed with already having lost my sleep.

“Abe tera call hai”, Ashish shouted back.

I was puzzled. I remembered having talked to Ma in the evening. “And why on earth would someone call me at 2 am in night?”

Anyways, I got up and opened the door. Ashish was standing there in a baniyan and a three-quarter, with a half way burnt cigarette in his hand. Hostel life.. I smiled and muttered a half swear looking at him, cursing him for waking me up in this chilling winter night.
I looked at him and snatched the cigarette first from him, the took the phone. “Kiska hai??”, I asked Ashish. He simply motioned me in my room and put 3 more cigarettes in my pocket.
I was surprised at this act of benevolence from him, especially with cigarettes.
“Hello…”, i finally spoke into the speaker phone after realising that the other person was still on the line.

“Hi” A melodious voice went through my ears…to my mind… making it go blank…

It can’t be!!! It can’t be her!! I leaned on the the wall and slipped down to sit on the floor of my hostel room.

“Oh…Its you..”,was all that I could mutter.

“How are you Navi”, the voice asked. That was the first time someone called me by that name. The legacy still continues.

I was out of my body. I could see the look of shocked-joy on my face. I could see the dimly lit cigarette in my hand, with a fair amount of ash on its tip due to no attention being paid to it. I didn’t need it now. My biggest addiction was back. She was back.

>well…. M getting one…finally… my own lappy which I have dreamt about for years.


>Well… I was lost…

Have said many bad things and and have thought too ugly of everyone when I realized that it was me who was making the situations worse by doing this to myself. So I have stopped now. And it feels calm. Peace atleast with myself. I do not need peace with others. I have stopped fighting with myself.

I am happy now. 🙂

I am going home, finally on 9th.


>I used to wonder why you left me,
And look for the reasons why you won’t see me,
I agree! Things were not easy,
With mayhem around and situations getting messy,
But you wanted a smooth short cut way,
And now I know why you walked away.

We were rocking and the love was great,
I always thought we will change the fate,
Only now I realise “the things” and hidden “signals”,
that tell me you liked “US”, but had your mind on different business,
There were things in your mind which you would never say,
And now I know why you walked away.

We had good times but I won’t deny we didn’t fight,
Hardly a reason to destroy what we had with all your might,
You always looked for an excuse, I can see it all now,
To get rid of me, and you sure did put on a great show,
I was at fault, but not that big! No Way!!
And now I know why you walked away.

I tried so hard to save all we had,
I begged to you, cried like a person gone mad,
But you had decided, made your choice,
finally making me realize, what was good and what was vice,
You left me, destroying me like a statue of clay,
And now I know why you walked away.

But let me tell you what you will miss,
the honesty and faithfullness, not to mention the kiss,
Now that all my tears are gone, dried for long,
I sit down and write this stupid-idiotic song,
But don’t you think you got any of me, NO GIRL!!!

>Again unable to sleep. Anyways, not that it matters to me, but yes, it does bother.

There has to be something wrong with me. I should better know what it is.

Anyways, have been watching a lot of movies these days apart from the dirty competition on PG that’s going on. Ahhh… let’s not talk about it atleast here.
Movies, yes!!! Mrs. Parker and the vicious circle, Down to you, Matilda, Rookie and many more. One word, AWESOME… Being alone with 5 other people is an art I have mastered in these two years in Mumbai. Not that I complain. I do not enjoy their company a lot. Only reason I am here is the cheap rent and a very well maintained society and environment. I do not know how long will I keep myself with these people. No one talks to me these days. They are too busy with themselves. They enjoy together, but yes, without me. They laugh together, but be morose when I am there. I know they do not like me, very few do for that reason!!!

I do not complain. But yes, I do wish to stop suffocating. As a result, I have indulged myself in things. Reading, studying, writing, learning a new language(am working on it) and getting myself to know myself. Quite a list na? I also thought the same. But with all day at your hand, this is the least you can do.

The Mrs. Parker movie was one that touched me most. A perfect example of an innocent person gone crazy, then wrong, then insane and finally back to her senses. I loved the way things turned around in the movie. May be I portrayed myself as the central character. Nothing to be ashamed of!!! We all do fantasize, don’t we?

Well, I have been thinking about the girls I have been with and have concluded that I am a flirt. I am good to be with, bad to live with. I do not know if my girl friend will understand this, but again, I think we might as well find a way around it. After all, who thought two days ago that the insanity refueled inside me will be dormant again. It is sleeping now, atleast for the this moment. And yes, it will take something very extraordinary to rekindle it. I do not see anything extraordinary happening in my life any soon. So, no worries for the time being friends.

I do have these thoughts and when at a later stage, I put my mind at peace and think of them, I wonder what on earth was I thinking about!!! It is not something that I control, it is like I become possessed. Possessed by a desire of giving up everything, destroying everything I have, just for the sake of a glimpse of her. Good that I do not have any picture of her or I would be wanting more!!! Its best to keep fire and petrol separate, huh? It has a mind of its own, it decides things I should be doing and how I should be doing them. It is a wise devil, just the way I am. May be it is my sub conscious mind(or whatever they call it) which compels me to do such things. Anyways, the demon is sleeping now, and for a very long long time.

That is my fear. It is just sleeping. It is still inside me, down in that dark box.

>I was thinking. I was at it again. There were thoughts of insanity and a madness to do something again. In short, I was feeling lonely after a long long time. It might be due to the monotonous life I have been living for quite sometime now. Perhaps I need a change. I have wondered about this question a million times, “Why do I need a change every now and then?”, without a success with the answer. It happens all the time.

At first, I was afraid to go away from my home after class 10th. Thought I would not like the world. I did. I enjoyed Ranchi. I enjoyed company of my friends and my cousin. I enjoyed seeing the girl I loved. I enjoyed her smile, talking to her and her anger. I enjoyed it all. Then things happened. I was broken. I wanted to be back in my ever safe shelter, my home, Pusa. I didn’t enjoy Ranchi anymore.

I was in class 12 and wanted to go back to home ASAP the exams were over. I went home after the exams finished. I enjoyed “ghar ka khana” after a long long time for a long long time. i enjoyed the safe sanctuary of my parents where none could hurt my feelings and where all my wounds started to heal slowly.i started studying for Engineering entrances in a much more disciplined manner now. But met with little success. I had to face my parents and their
questioning glances all the time. My every action was being looked upon with a mixture of disgust and pity.

Then eventually I got bored of home!!! I wanted to break free and get a life of my own, ruled by my own rules(I am still fighting over this one). I wanted freedom. Seems it was too much to ask for a 17 year old boy. I wanted to get away from my home. And I wanted it badly. I really wanted freedom.

I succeeded one odd time in one of the exams. I got into a college. I started to enjoy the newly found freedom. I enjoyed the friends and girls. I started to enjoy a hell lot more than that. I enjoyed life. It was all perfect. Then came the monotonous and quiet part of the college. Campus selection and exams. Along with came poverty, with not enough in pockets to feed ourselves. Reason being the parties we have been throwing off late.

I was bored with my college life and I wanted a job. I wanted money and to enjoy it now. To get everything life could offer and to live my life to the fullest. College finished and I joined my job. I enjoyed the new place, big city, Mumbai. I enjoyed the thousands of bucks inflowing into my first ever bank account and I enjoyed the chicks here. I loved this life. I thought, “Yes! I wanted this all the time”. I was wrong.

I started to get bored in my job. I found out that its too tough to move up the ladder here, especially in this company. I wondered why I always wanted to be a software engineer. I discovered that despite being exceptionally good at maths, I was just average at programming. I started to hate this job which taught nothing and made a zombie out of me. I understood that this is not what I want. I got a new interest meanwhile.

I wanted to get into a good MBA college now. I hated my job like hell. I wanted to quit. I waited due to the bond money. I prepared hard for one long year. I performed well in the mocks. I failed though, finally. Just 95.12%ile.
I was shattered. I started concentrating on my job again. I knew i had ignored it too long for not to be punished.

Eventually I got some calls and though I tried hard, failed to convert them. I lost the job too meanwhile.

I was sort of free now. The freedom I had always craved for. I enjoyed this too, but came to terms with hard fact that I am not earning anymore. I realised how hard it is to survive in a city like mumbai without earning. I started looking out for a job. I thought it will be easier, but it is not.

Now I am feeling very lonely and left out. And now I do realise some of the wrongs I have done in my life. I realise now that I should be more disciplined regarding myself and my life.

Still, there is a crazy Navi sitting inside my heart, wanting me to do the things I want to do and not what I should do.

I am confused. I am lost.

>Well…I wrote this poem quite sometime back and accidently bumped into it yesterday.

So posting it here.
My first ever proper composition.


I still remember the day,
when i lit my first cigarette,
save me god!was all i did pray,
coz i dint want the feeling2stay,

that nasty feeling of smoke,
so much that i begun to choke,
my senses were lost n gone,
why i did it…
i began to frown,

i dint want to tell anyone,
coz i knew they would laugh at me,
decided not2smoke,wid all my grit,
n make myself as sacred as can be,

but i got lost n’ll pay the cost,
ya i know wat can happen at most,
but cant help it!!M ADDICTED…
addicted2death away from life,towards my end,

Even today I swear to quit smoking,
but now it’s become a different thing,
u cant say that i did cheat,m not a liar,
coz now I smoke…ya I do!!!but widout fire..

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