Category: book

>I am going down


Well…. To be frank, I am bored. Bored of this place, bored of people, bored of lies again and again, bored of same old things…bored of myself. I know its not a very good thing to say, but off late I have lost the direction and I dunno if I am ever gonna know what I was supposed to do. Get a job,get married, raise kids, grow old, die??? Is that it? I dun wanna be like that. That would be the worst thing that could happen to me if I dint find out why I am here… I really gives a severe headache… Crap yaar!!! Atleast the disillusion of MBA kept me busy. Now there is no pretending. And I am glad about it. Atleast not doing the right thing is less dangerous than doing the wrong thing thinking it’s right. I know this one job has changed my attitude a lot and perhaps I have started respecting finer things in life.

I wanted to be a poet, though I do not write any good. But then again, that was where my heart was and perhaps that’s why I write sometimes even today. But this bloody world…well..I can’t eat my poems. I need to earn….WTF! May be someday I will have the courage to break away from this zombie crowd…one day I will… 😦 

Perhaps I will publish my book, even if just one copy of it. 🙂

>Well, I settled down in Ranchi quite comfortably and loved the place. New place with new rules. I was enjoying the change and a new freedom I was handed. We still had 2 weeks for school to start and so me and my cousin decided to roam the city on our bicycles every evening. He introduced me to one of his friends, Rahul. He lived a few quarters next to ours and it seemed that my cousin and he were very good friends. I, being my introvert self(yes I was , at that time), kept away and interacted very little with him.

Anyways, the three of us used to roam around all the evenings and it was real fun. But we had some restrictions too. We had to get back before chacha came back else we must be having a very strong excuse to be spared of verbal bashing. :p
We started going tutions together. My cousin was living in Ranchi for quite some time so he had contacts and know how of where to study for different subjects. Maths, Physics and Chemistry, we joined for all three and thus the studies rolled out along with the fun and freedom.
It was really the best time,r of my life. Three innocent kids having fun is something which many few people remember now that they are grown ups. I even made good friends with Rahul.

It was all perfect. Everything….

>Finally it has happened again. The girl whom I loved has deserted me again. Four relationships in 9 years. With the first one spanning 7+ years. I think that’s why I have become so familiar with this feeling now. It does hurt, of course it does. But one thing I am sure that these break ups are taking aay something from me. Ability to trust girls.i do not say that girls are bad, they are the most beautiful creation of god. All I am saying that perhaps I would not go for any relationship now as I have no more trust left in me to entrust a girl with.

All innocent faces, sweet voices will only remind me of this betrayal. Sweet they might be, beautiful they might be, but that does not give them any right to play with someone’s emotions. I tried so hard because I knew I was at fault. Else I’d have simply kicked her away. I knew it was my mistake which was causing all this but then I also knew that the mistake wasn’t so big that it should result in such a planned break up. Perhaps there were other things in her mind which she never told me. Anyways, I know that I have tried enough, more than enough to save the relationship we had. Someone was adamant on finishing things off, packing her bag and run away.

I think she wanted to end this anyways. Things she said a few days ago make complete sense now. She wanted a way out. I understand it now. I have no qualms, no complaints. What I hated about this break up was that though I knew she was concocting all this up for the sake of a simple alibi, I didn’t tell her this in her face. Perhaps because I was at fault in first place. I did not have the right to blame someone else.

Anyways, bye bye my 4th ex girlfiriend 🙂

>27th April. Happy Birthday. I know you will never read this, but even then, “Happy Birthday”.

I remember how we made it a rule to never wish each other on their b’days coz of the never ending quarrels we always had with each other.

Well, I can’t say I miss you today. I don’t. I missed you in the midnight.

I hope you are doing good where ever you are. I do not want to speak to you or wish you b’day, but yes, I would have liked to see you today. Anyways, somethings are never meant to be, right?

I had asked you for your permission a long time ago about writing real names. I told you that I will write everything. I remember you were angry at the suggestion of writing people’s names in public. You said it won’t be proper.

I just wanted to tell you that I am going to write everyone’s names. I do not care if lives are ruined or relations are strained, as they are bound to be. I do not care. Yes I haven’t changed even now. I am stubborn. You know me the best.

Enjoy the cake. Chocolate, right? 😉

We really would have made a gr8 couple. The chemistry we had was awesome. Always spontaneous and on fire. Right? If only… Anyways, one thing we both agreed on( a rare occasion..)

….somethings are never meant to be….

>Last time?

>She turned to him,
he looked into her eyes,
she touched his face, her fingers on his lips,
he thought of the million things, and the promises that she was his,

He remembers of the days, and of the nights,
passion was the only thing that fired their lives,
the plans they made, and fought over silly things,
the things they dreamt of, and thought they’d come true,

He knows its the final time that he’d look her like that,
Coz no matter what happens, this has to end tonight,
his fingers in her hair,playing with them silently,
And he hugs her finally, and hopes this one is for last time.

>It was like diwali, though it was hot humid summer!!! I will never forget the happenings of the day. Celebration at home, for I had scored highest all over in Pusa. I was on cloud 9. Guests were pouring in, hearing of the news and were congratulating my parents. It was like a festival. I gave my friends a mini-treat in the evening and was roaming out when I glanced at my watch. 7:30 pm. “Mar gaye! Itna late? Aaj to pukka daant padegi….”I accelerated my bicycle with this thought and reached home in less than 5 minutes(Pusa is a quite small place, you see). I was surprised to find so many people there. Some i knew, but mostly my father’s collegues and completely stranger to me. So I simply did namaste to all and after standing there for 10 minutes or so, excused myself to a glass of water and slipped back into my room.

Silence. I could literally hear my heartbeat. I knew my life will change from now on. I knew the value of this achievement. Little did I realize that there are changes in life which can ruin it too. I was a hopeless optimist back then too, as I am now. I waited for the guests to leave. Once it was just me and my family, I asked Ma,”Khana kya bana rahi ho?”. “Chicken” replied Ma. I was happy for the umpteenth time that day. Chicken was my favourite dish. Somethings never change… I still remember the discussions going on between Ma and Papa after talking to chacha. My cousin, Chiku had also passed with good scores. Apparently, chacha had asked Papa to send me to Ranchi for higher studies and Ma was against it! I then remembered that a month ago, at a gathering in our village for a function, chacha had told Papa to send me to Ranchi if I get good marks in the board examination. Papa had shown his interest too. “But that was one month ago!! I mean, … kehne se kya ho jata hai…I am not going anywhere”, I thought to myself. I was really scared of leaving the safe haven of my home and going out for studies to some unknown place. When I think of this fear now….I just smile to myself. 9 years away from home….Its been quite a while. I was never the homesick person I always thought I was…

>12:45 pm

More than three hours had passed. University power had just restored after the transformer went boom. Three hours!!! We chatted about the tutions, syllabus, about how one can have bio+maths, and about girls. I thought to myself, “Why these guys always keep talking about girls and all that stuff? Don’t they have anything better to do?” I was really very shy of girls back then. And of a lot more things.

1:00 pm

Everyone was either joyous or morose. I was none. I was simply nervous, and like hell! Me and friends were crowding the ARIS cell of university. Some have seen their results and others were waiting. I was wondering, “What if i didn’t….?” Suddenly i heard a voice, “Navneet! Results aaya kya? ” I turned around and saw Papa standing there. My nervous face told him the answer. He said,”Ok chalo, I’ll handle it”. Pushing through the crowd, he got in the glass cabin which was not allowed for us students/outsiders. I saw he was talking with the official sitting inside and in two mins, I was standing next to the Internet enabled Desktop. 🙂

The score card read:-

Maths- 93
Science- 95
English- 85
Hindi -92
Social studies- 79

I turned to Papa and touched his feet. I had got 88.8% percent, higher than anyone in the whole Pusa. It was like something happening which I never even dreamt of even in my dreams! I went back to home and Ma also gave me my marks. Apparently, she gave my registration number to one of my elder cousins in Patna where internet was easily accessible. I was given a grand welcome at home….mithaai nd all… I was so happy that my family is happy because of me finally. AsI remembered, not very lonjg ago, jus in dec’2000-jan 2001 we faced a very tough time with my name being dragged in a case in school. The prinicipal’s son, who apparently studied in the same class, had accused me and one of my best friends as for abusing him and beating him up. Lol….I have never hurt anyone in the school unless I got in a very messy and dirty fight/argument. I took the entire exam under such pressure and fear of my papers being tampered with. But now that its done and over with, I had a big grin on my face, thinking of what must be going in that little bastard’s mind. I was happy.

>- Learn how to hack
– Get my book published
– Buy a lappy
– Get a stable hairstyle….from this no hairstyle style
– Learn to cook chicken
– Buy my own flat and cook the above chicken there….all by myself..
– learn to talk to ghosts and animals
– Get to fly ..
– write a lot better
– be a bit more truthful to others…nd to myself..
– learn to forgive
– never learn to forget
– sing summer of 69 on a stage, again.(will do better dis tym)
– learn to swim..
– be crazy one more tym in my life

I know its a long list….but again…i do have that much time…. atleast the last one can be achieved in a few moments…. watevr the hell

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