Category: her



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Sometimes we are so involved in things that we forget to remember the eternal truth that one day, sooner or later, it WILL have to end. And we will have to make a way through the woods, face hard times, be devoid of what we so badly love and would give anything for. Perhaps then, it is not much surprising that we are hurt and long for the past to return once it has gone.

Will write more… Will edit this… But for now… just this much

Back as promised, though I can bet my life that there has been a sort of 180 degrees shift in my mood and motive of this post since I started.

Was talking to a friend and she started asking about my past(read my ex girl friends) and one thing led to another and I ended up telling her a much shorter version of the story I could never post here. Not of much value in this world where there are much more serious things to be discussed upon and problems to be worried about. Still, at the end of those two hours, felt like have gone back to that day when I was so prone to loneliness that I almost got depressed. Almost missed you for a moment. Almost cried for you. Almost. 🙂

Hokay…. So that was me betraying myself and trying to distract me from my original motive of this post. But in a way it strengthened me more by telling myself that I CAN gather myself before crumbling and do the damage control much more efficiently than ever before :p. I perhaps even cracked a joke or two. Not that I don’t feel, but I understand reality much more clearly than I feel. So I am able to “co-op” with it. And perhaps this would be one of most important lessons for me on  “HOW NOT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT GONE THINGS”

PS:- NOSTALGIA’s A BITCH! 😛

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This burden is too heavy to bear, this secret screams things I can’t hear,

It’s the curse of my life, that cuts through me like a two sided knife.

😦

>For you S


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Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I messed it all up….had I messed her leaving me.

Something for you S, may you never get to read this 😦

I still remember your touch, Remember your smile,
For a moment you come so near,and gone in a while,
You will always be in my heart,for its not a crime,

And I will love you baby, till the end of time.


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3rd October 2001

“So, do you really think this is gonna work?”

“Yeah!! It will if you do not run away from her again at the last moment”

“Eh…what makes you think I will do something like that?”

“Tera past record dekh ke to aisa hi lagta hai. Sale bol kyun nai deta jaake aaj usko”

“Well….aaj …aaj 😀 “

“Dekhte hain…. tell me what happened when I return from the school in the evening”

“Yup…chal tata”

“Bye C”

“Bye M”

That evening, C proposed S.

M was still not in love with S.

The storm was nowhere in the sight.
 

>PS- I LOVE YOU


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And they stood there, looking at the stars,
Her breath on his lips, their eyes waging a million wars,
They were not yet one,and never were apart,
And as she moved away forever, she will live forever in his heart.



Nothing less, nothing more. This was the sole emotion in my heart when I started writing this poem. And no, this is not dedicated to anyone like my earlier poems. This is way too sacred to be explained.

PS:- I love you


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April 10, 2004

It was nearly 1 in the night and he was as usual busy with friends, cracking jokes and killing time, just like that. That was the general life there in the hostel at that time. Cigarettes, jokes, groups and tonnez to talk about. College life was still an infant, just 2 months old, starting from Valentine’s day that year itself(Sometimes I think ki starting date hi aisi thi, that’s why he had to face such things). So you can pretty much guess that they were still in the stage where you discuss things about crushes, failures,cribbing about not getting into IITs, chicks in the college and stuff like that. That night was no extraordinary.

Not for all atleast.

Not untill 1 am atleast.

“Abe tera phone hai be…”, Ashish shouted from his room.
He couldn’t believe his ears. Since the day he proposed , i.e. on fool’s day, there hasn’t been a single day when she called that late. Calls have been formal, perhaps out of awkwardness from his side, and perhaps due to confusion from her’s.

He rushed to Ashish’ room and took the phone from him. Putting his palm over the speaker, he asked Ashish, “Tere cell mein kitna balance hai?” “350”, came the reply, relieving him. He still had to get his Nokia 2300. Many things that would happen in the future were still to happen. Well, we will come to that l8r.

“Hello…”, he said.
“Hi…where were you?”, she asked.
“Well, was in my room. And as you know, I do not have a mobile. Not yet”, he said in an irritated tone, knowing that she was just making a base for something else. She was always like this. He always told her that she has a good argumentative attitude. Only that he did not like it when she used to apply it to him.

“You called so late??”, it was now his turn to enquire, and as usual, he was direct to the point.

“Hmmm… wanted to talk to you, if it is ok with you…”, she replied.

He sensed this won’t be alright. Though he was still inexperienced, but his instincts told him that there is something about that night that would change many things. Still, he can’t deny her. He CANT!!!

“Kya hua…you there??? “, She asked, listening to the storm spread in his silence.

“Yep…bolo… I am here…was just not expecting your call..not so late actually”, he said, snuggling into Anand’s chair. He had told Anand and his roommate(only one of them was in the hostel at that time that they can sleep in his bed instead and he would rather not like to be disturbed. Others had gone to some place or other, so it was sort of a privacy for him. Just like he wanted.)

“Well… how are you “, she asked him for the first time in many days after the fool’s day fiasco.

“I am good…gr8!!!”, he said, trying to find some meaning in her questions and trying to fool himself that this is just a simple call, that it has nothing to do with the proposal.

“Hmmmm….Are you alone there??”, she asked.

His heart missed a heartbeat. It cant be! For a moment he thought that the unthinkable is going to happen.
I can still feel the disappointment in his heart when it simply turned out to be a casual question and nothing as he dreamt of with open eyes. Anyways, he was glad she broke the ice by asking about the Fool’s Day Proposal. But at the same time, he feared the things he had known for a very long long time and prayed to god to favor him this one last time. Seems god also sleeps at night.

It started very innocently with a joke. He said something about the delhi girls and she was at her best denying it. Then talks drifted towards future, about college and her admission(Which was pending as of then.. she was in Delhi after her 12th board examinations) and stuff like that.
“Navneet, were you serious that day?”, suddenly she took a giant leap and asked it.

He was relieved…. he was afraid… He had the answer…He couldn’t say it….He had to…

“Yes ‘S’ “… he said and instantly smiled…smiled at the ease with which many things had become crystal clear between them…smiled at the joy it brought to him thinking that finally he had the courage to tell her that he loves her…smiled at his foolishness of April 1st proposal idea… smiled at everything…

“hmmm…really? You love me?”, she still needed some assurance, having had her own set of heartbreaks, she was no novice to these things afterall….or atleast he thought so…

“Hmmmm..yes S..I love you…and not from today.. I have loved you for last 3 years….And I was silent all these years only for everyone’s peace of mind…There was a lot of confusion already…and I thought perhaps the best thing to do is to be quiet…and not to tell anyone..”,He said more than he thought of…and felt proud about it..

“You know something??”, she said with a tinge of naughtiness in her voice…

“What!!??”, he was irritated..obviously..

“I knew that you sort of liked me… I knew it from the way you looked at me”, she said it so simply as if it was nothing….and he took 3 years to say it.

“Huh….We seldom talked in Ranchi….and whenever we did, it was in the presence of either my bros or yours…remember??”, it was nice seeing them having a heart to heart talk…it was really soothing after all these years of suffocating and keeping it inside, he was finally able to speak his mind….he did not know it but something was changing inside him that night…He will never be that shy guy again…He will never be an introvert again… he will never get away without speaking what his mind desires and what his heart thinks…
He will never back down again….

He is still fighting…

To be continued….


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April 2009

“Ticket ticket!!!” He was awaken from a sleepless dream by the rough voice of the bus conductor. “uh… Lemme see if I do have any change”, he thought to himself and surprisingly, a ten rupee note was crumpled in his jeans pocket. Handing it over to the conductor, he looked around the bus. It was all packed and only saving grace was the window by his side and the cool air slapping on his face, making his always un-made hair go even more haywire. “Only if I didn’t have to go to Juhu so quick, I would have taken the train… Crap!!!”, he murmured to himself and then looked outside the window, falling back in his open eye dreams. “Why am I going to see her? After all this????” He had no answer.

4 months earlier

“Hello…??”, he spoke into the phone, knowing very well he should not have called her up in first place. He waited for the voice, waited for it to cut through his heart. “Hi Navi…”, the voice said on the other side. Both sides went silent. Perhaps they had too much to say to each other. Perhaps they had nothing.
“I am in Pune. Have a test. Can you meet me?”, he summoned up all his courage and asked her the forbidden.
“Why do you want to meet me Navi?”
“Well, I just thought…umm…well I wanted to meet you.”
“Hmmmm…. I can’t come. I do not want to see you anymore.”
His mind went blank on hearing the inevitable. “No, I must not fall down now…I have an exam to take in a few hours…. this was expected….I should not…must not..fall now….”, an array of random thoughts went through his head.

“Hmmmm…ok”, was all he could manage to utter before hanging up.
I still remember him crying for 2 hours after reaching back Mumbai at 12 midnight. I do not know how he held the fort the whole day. May be one day I will learn from him.

Suddenly the loud ringing of his cellphone woke him back to reality. It was 5:45 in the evening. “Anonymous Calling” blinked on the screen. He picked up the phone and talked like a machine to her. Following her instructions about how to reach her hotel, and noted everything in his head, which seldom forgets things. Not atleast about her.

10 minutes later, he was on his way to her hotel, in a rickshaw.
He smiled to himself,”Finally it will be over tonight”

He had yet to learn things.


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I think its a dream, i can’t believe its true,
And obviously no one will believe me, no! not even you,
I want to think it can come real,
But fate has a different deal,

I see her there, walking down the stairs,
I feel my heartbeat go fast, wonder if she cares,
I try not to look at her, and go by my business,
But fail to hide my mind, fail to hide this uneasiness,

I avoid looking there, she’s with her friends,
I wonder what makes her smile, wonder how she smells,
I laugh at me, laugh at the things I dream,
I tell myself its never gonna be, that we aren’t meant to be,

So I walk away from her, away from her world,
To someplace where someone cares, where silence can be heard,
I leave this dream lying on the floor,
and with silent steps I walk through the door.


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“April Fool!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!” , he shouted into the phone… He waited for a response from the other side as he literally jumped on the hostel roof, laughing uncontrollably, so much that tears welled up in his eyes. He wondered if they were indeed from laughing :)…

Silence…no response yet, he wondered if she hung up. “Hello?… hello???”, he searched for her response.
“Its not funny, Navneet(he was yet to be christened as Navi…the name which will be his identity for many coming years, perhaps forever)”, she spoke softly and paused again.
He became serious now. No laughing, no jumping, no pretense, no more. He again said,”arrey it was just a prank re….watch the time :P”, and he looks into his cell time and said, “Its, past 12….today’s Fool’s day …ha ha ha ha”

Again silence…”Navneet, you’re so mean!!! I should have seen that coming. But again, when it comes to you, its not easy to guess”. He thought for a moment if she really believed him, then became sure by her tone. Still, there was something changed in her behaviour that made him suspicious. It had to be fool proof….Either this way, or no way….There can not be a middle way. “I can’t afford to be caught”, he thought to himself and tried changing the topic.

“So who are YOU gonna fool today?? Now that you have been already fooled 😛 ??”,he asked her, praying she doesn’t get any hint or clue about the reality…His eyes became moist, and he was sure it wasn’t from laughing this time…or ever… He controlled the emotions inside him..”This is not the time to think about it… I will think when I have time for myself… I will have plenty of it now…”, he said to himself, trying to console his aching heart, telling it that he knew this would happen, that there is nothing to be sad about…that she was never his…

“Navneet, were you seriously making me fool or…??”, the voice from other side cracked into the phone, and uttered the unsaid, the one which must not be said….the forbidden…or as he thought…

“Obviously, you really thought I would propose you?? :O lol… naah girl… It was a prank and just a prank!!! IT has nothing to do with reality.”, he recited the words he had been practicing for last four days, ever since he made this leak proof plan… April 1st was the perfect occasion to do it…. The three letters would either mean everything to her or he will turn it into a prank…. When he said them, she went silent and his greatest fears of the inevitable came true…so he had to switch to planB.. the prank thing…. he wondered what he would have said had she said yes…. “What if….”, he smiled to himself.

“Navneet…you there??”, the voice again brought him into reality, the harsh reality that meant she wasn’t least interested in him. He sobered up and braced himself.”Navneet, were you really joking??”, she asked again…”Ofcourse re !!! We are friends na..and its my duty to pull your leg every now and then!!! “, he said with the same deceptive smile and tone that would be his forte for coming years….”And besides, ki fark painda hai!!! Whether I was joking or not, you wouldn’t have accepted it anyways!!”,he blurted out….and cursed himself the very next moment for doing so….

“Navneet..??? Tell me please.. I need to know, coz I do not think you were just joking”
“Naah re…seriously… I swear!!!”, and he swore false things….something that he will do now all his life to hide things….perhaps he should tell her the truth….perhaps that’s the right thing to do….but as he said…”ki fark painda hai”

“Okay…as you wish….hmmmm… I thought…”, and she paused in between…

“What?? That I love you?? “

“hmmmm..dunno..you said it making it feel so real that I believed you”

“hmmm… imagine if I wasn’t bluffing, then what would you have done??”

“Navneet!! you know na..you know it all na??”

“Hmmmm…ryt…anyways…leave it…”

“Could you??”

“Yes…it was just a prank and let’s forget it here and now…”, he said with a sore throat…

“hmmmm..okkkk…”

“ok”

“okay chal have to hang up else someone would wake up and wonder what I am doing this late in the balcony”

“Okay…bbye…take care.. “

“Bye Navneet”

“Good night”

“good night”

He hangs up….and sits on the wall of hostel roof….thinking what he just did…. He proposed the girl he loved madly for last 4 years…and turned it into a prank…”It was the right thing to do….didn’t you know she would be shocked to know this??didn’t you understand it was foolish to do in first place???You saw na her reaction…she wasnt saying anything and once you convinced her that it was a prank, she was back to normal”

“But she was suspicious of your prank thing”, a faint voice spoke from within, the voice of his heart.

“Well, I think I convinced her pretty well”, the mind spoke.

He watched his mind and heart fight for something which they would never be able to understand….HIM….and smiled…. he knew this is just the beginning of a life long dispute…

He saw the screen saver in his cell…it read…

00:45 hours
April 01, 2004

>He- The Voice


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He sits in the corner, sipping his black coffee,
Wearing an indifferent expression, neither violent nor meek,
He watches the people, running away from themselves,
He wonders at them, “Dunno how that helps”,

He has seen a lot and has gone through much,
He pretends he shut it,but it opens at a touch,
The evenings of laughter, the mornings of joy,
Sometimes feeling as if he was treated like a toy,

He sees people thinking that they will forget,
He laughs at these fools, and wished they never met,
He sips his black coffee, storms stirring inside,
He must choose an option.now he must decide,

To be with these people and be like just them,
Or run away from everything,turn all in the flames,
I don’t know what he will do, but I will be with him,
For he is the voice the screaming within.

PS:- I know off late my poems might have lost that touch. It happens. I do not feel like writing anything romantic anymore…. may be some personal reasons, but these things are not anymore for me…. I might even stop writing… It takes too much to bring on paper what goes inside my mind. I do not write fictional poetry. I write what I have seen. I write my own experiences….. perhaps that is the reason I do not wish to write anymore… I am fed up of being at the receiving end all the time and telling about it on my blog…may be I am ashamed of myself…of failing time and again…. May be… It always happens 😦

Just pray this was the last time I fell for someone…I wish either I could never rise…or rise so much that I could never see anyone worthy enough to fall for…

😦

>Prey


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Well…a poem finally…a dark one this time…dunno how much justice i have done with my dark instincts…You’re the judge

There he spotted her, the prey of the evening,
laughing among her friends, her aura lightening the dark night,
He watches her moves, the ways she speaks,
he plans for the act, the one which always rules,

He moves towards her, with an innocent smile on his face,
beneath which lies a cruel intention, of which no one can find a trace,
He takes silent steps, the prey completely ignorant of it,
his eyes mocking the atmosphere, like a snake’s slit,

She’s talking to him, amazed by his charm,never suspecting the reality,
He stands by her side, holding a beer, cruel face hidden by frailty,
“What is this man,where he came from”, she wonders in her mind,
His charm and wits, working their way, making her logics blind,

He prepares to leave,she follows him out, fallen for him all the way,
never thinking it might be a trap,that she might be just a prey,
The streets are dark,the lights are out,they are all alone in the night,
As he moves towards her,preparing for the kill, ready to strike with all might.


>I know I have to be mad to be writing this post…almost same as my earlier post… Pardon me if it seems boring sort of to u people….This time it is PERSONAL…

I love you…I love you and that includes all the fights I have had with you, all the things we have enjoyed together, all the things we have discussed over and all the things we have argued on…It includes every damn phone call to you at the cost of my dinner meal…It includes every damn risk you have taken talking to me despite your issues…it includes all the verbal abuses I’ve thrown at you…It includes all the things you have said to me and made me suffer about… It includes every smile you have given me…every touch I felt of you on my skin…Every night I thought of you and cried to realise you are not gonna be with me…every lie i told you only to tell you the truth 10 minutes later… every thing I have done for you and never told you that I did it….

I love you…and yes..I am still crazy for you… come to me and tell me you do not feel the same way I do…tell me if u can…else I am going to delete this blog within 1 month… with no more sane posts…yes..u got me right…and with will end all of my online presence…not to forget that I do not have an offline one… 🙂

P.S. :- I love you sweetheart


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I was walking alone, on the wet sand,
you said you wanted to hold my hand,
You said you wanted to be with me,
No matter whatever the situation be,

You said you will always be by my side,
and that you have nothing to hide,
You took me from me, you took my spirit,
You changed me into what I see in mirror but don’t know

You told this was special, that we were so meant to be,
And I just smiled, happy and joyous and free,
You made me fly, made me laugh, I ask now “WHY?”,
When all that you wanted to do was to make me cry?

You decided all, when to come, when to go, when to leave me alone,
Never thought of me, as if I was nothing, lifeless like a stone,
You left me stranded on crossroads, without telling which way to go,
“What do I do now?”..I won’t ask YOU! Though even I don’t know!


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“Navneet, Navneet!! Darwaaza khol!!”

“Who is this??? Baad mein aana…so rahein hain abhi” I muttered some swear words and turned my head inside my razaai again.

“Abe Ashish hain hum… khol…Phone hai tera…”

“Phone?? Abe Kal de dena. M Sleeping now”, I shouted, clearly annoyed with already having lost my sleep.

“Abe tera call hai”, Ashish shouted back.

I was puzzled. I remembered having talked to Ma in the evening. “And why on earth would someone call me at 2 am in night?”

Anyways, I got up and opened the door. Ashish was standing there in a baniyan and a three-quarter, with a half way burnt cigarette in his hand. Hostel life.. I smiled and muttered a half swear looking at him, cursing him for waking me up in this chilling winter night.
I looked at him and snatched the cigarette first from him, the took the phone. “Kiska hai??”, I asked Ashish. He simply motioned me in my room and put 3 more cigarettes in my pocket.
I was surprised at this act of benevolence from him, especially with cigarettes.
“Hello…”, i finally spoke into the speaker phone after realising that the other person was still on the line.

“Hi” A melodious voice went through my ears…to my mind… making it go blank…

It can’t be!!! It can’t be her!! I leaned on the the wall and slipped down to sit on the floor of my hostel room.

“Oh…Its you..”,was all that I could mutter.

“How are you Navi”, the voice asked. That was the first time someone called me by that name. The legacy still continues.

I was out of my body. I could see the look of shocked-joy on my face. I could see the dimly lit cigarette in my hand, with a fair amount of ash on its tip due to no attention being paid to it. I didn’t need it now. My biggest addiction was back. She was back.


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Well, after a zillion years(or so it seemed), I have decided to write something which doesn’t sound negative. It is special to me, as it is for someone very special in my life.

I saw you standing there, looking far in the moonlight,
like a new young bird all set, to take her maiden flight,
Your face was fresh like dew, all lights looked dim by you,
As you talked to guy, I later learnt he was your nephew,

You talked like the cuckoo sings,your hands resembling its wings,
Your eyes were blue like the sea, Oh! How I wished they could see me,
Your skin fairer than snow, and hair like the river flow,
Your cheeks redder than a rose,I wished I could hold you close,

I would never forget that day, when you turned and smiled at me,
I felt light like a feather, in the sky flying high and free,
You came to me and talked for a while,and all I remember is your Smyle,
I remember your laugh,its sound, and my heart went round and round,

You left soon for home,it felt like you’ve gone to Rome,
In though among my friends, I felt like am all alone,
It was the feeling which kept me awake at nights,
While your eyes brightened my heart with its miraculous lights.

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